Saturday, April 30, 2011

"Be realistic: Plan for a miracle" — Osho

The more Osho that I read, the more I love him. Someone who lives so fully by joy in the mere fact that we ARE who we were born as. That we need not search for or become more, that we are perfect and only need uncover that. His philosophy of joy and laughter.

And as I have witnessed some seemingly small but truly great miracles over the past week or so.... I am still very much clinging to hope for the one I've been manifesting for years.

Two nights ago I had a bomb dropped on me.. never saw it coming, never expected it, and my first reaction was, what I called at the time, "realism". Pessimism. Expecting the worst.

Now I am reading and talking to more enlightened and positive friends and searching for ways to become more joyful, because I simply cannot allow myself to be any lower.. Yesterday I let myself feel it all. I cried and cried. I talked about it. I voiced my fears and my truths...

And now I'm wondering... is it realistic to plan for this miracle? Or is it stupid?

What if I just chose to believe the best... followed a path I never even considered.. look foolish to everyone I know? And things don't turn out the way that I want them to?

Does that mean a miracle didn't occur?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The dark before dawn.. hopefully.

It's easter/pagan celebration of spring/fertility/whatever. Zombie Jesus day, as my ex called it (I like that).

It's been quite the weekend, and I find myself sitting here hoping for a miracle... very much reminiscent of Easter '08, a mere few days after my brother passed away. Then, I was praying that the religion I'd believed in my whole life and then rejected would suddenly make sense to me so that I could know I'd see my brother again.

Now, I know that I don't need THAT to believe I'll see him again. I have seen him again. I've talked to him again. I feel his comforting presence all the time. And I don't believe in one God, one religion, heaven, or hell. I just know we all go on after this life and we can break down the barriers even before that, if we choose.

Having learned that, and having the... "Gift" that I have, of communicating between various life stage barriers (i think that's how my friend put it today, and I really liked that, as opposed to "speaking to the dead", since we don't really die)... anyway, it's a gift and a curse. If someone who is harboring hurt and heaviness from this life hasn't passed on and realizes that I could help them to communicate and move on, they persist and persist until I do something about it, no matter how difficult that may be for me.

Without naming names or being too specific about a situation... someone that I've been very close to for the past 3.5 years lost someone HE was very close to, 3 years ago, to suicide. It was.. even more tragic than most, if that is possible, and especially personal to him. I've always felt a connection and pain over the situation, although I never met or knew this woman. Over the past 3 years I've slowly taken on pieces of her persona... feelings, thoughts, actions, even physical ailments and attributes. It's sped up considerably since last fall, causing many health and mental issues (and relationship issues).

I only recently realized that she really, desperately wants to get to him. Through me. The problem is, he doesn't believe in anything at all. I spent weeks deliberating over what to do.. first ignoring it, then realizing I couldn't.. composing and recomposing emails, begging other friends to take the burden for me so it wouldn't cause a rift in my friendship with HIM. But she wanted me to do this.

So, I did it. And I can't say that things are awesome right now. I'm terrified. She's terrified. He's confused as hell, but amazingly, by far more open to the idea than I thought he would be.

I cried and had nightmares all night about these people and their situation... she sent me flashbacks of an argument they had.. I woke up shaking uncontrollably and it didn't go away for hours. I've been unable to keep the tears from falling for almost 24 hours. He said he was going to see her grave today which he hadn't done since the funeral.

It's a step.

When I woke up, I had a hymn from my childhood stuck in my head, and realized it was Easter. I remembered how I wished for a miracle, 3 years ago... and it's come to me in a different way than I expected. Other miracles that I've wished for for much longer still elude me...
But as I lay there, I thought.. "I wish there were miracles in life.." and immediately a voice came into my head saying "you just set one into motion."

I'm hanging onto that for dear life. I'm in a horribly dark place of fear and doubt...

And selfishly hoping that just this once, the miracle will be one for me, too....

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Scars (and other stuff people don't wanna see)

I've been thinking about this post for a while, and I am still not sure I can do the subject justice, but it's something that I think should be talked about. It needs to be out in the open. And my views on it may be.. highly controversial, upsetting, whatever. DEAL.

Scars remind us where we've been
They don't have to dictate where we're going.

- Criminal Minds

I have all kinds of scars.
I have stretch marks from having babies. That's acceptable, but nobody wants to see them. They're still ugly and should be hidden, right?


Well, I disagree. They say, hey, I gave up my body - not just for 9 months, but forEVER - to bring another human being into this world. And I'm giving my entire life in devotion to that human being. Shouldn't I be proud of that?
So, I wear two piece swimming suits. I don't give a f***. If you don't like it, you've got a problem.

I have chicken pox scars. No biggie.

I have a scar from when I cut myself cooking Thai food for a man I love deeply. I went into shock and finished cooking, had him over for dinner and cleaned up before I went to the ER, which may be why the scar is so big.


I have tattoos.



I have self-inflicted scars. A lot of them. Those are the ones that I (and the rest of the world) have the biggest issue with.
I shouldn't HAVE to be ashamed of them. That's where I came from. That's something I did once.
Everyone has ways they deal with pain. Praying, crying, drinking, breaking things, taking pills. Some people cause themselves physical pain to distract from the emotional pain.
I'm not saying it's good to hurt yourself. But there are worse things I could have done. I wasn't slitting my wrists. I wasn't cutting with the intent to injure. And there was always a focus behind it. My kids' names. A heart. Something to remind me of why I was only scratching the surface, and why I needed to push through the pain and keep going.

I know a lot people are going to take issue with this. This is why I ended up in therapy at the age of 13. It has ended relationships and friendships. It landed me in therapy again (along with my plans to leave this world by March 20th of this year) last fall.

So, with the warm weather coming on, I decided to wear shorts today.
If people were to look closely at all, this is what they'd see:



Shock and disgust, right? Horrible. Awful. That girl is messed up, yeah?
Maybe I was at one time, maybe not. I know a lot of people who get tattoos because it's a "Stress reliever".. it's "Addictive".. how is that different? I don't hurt myself anymore, not physically, but we all beat ourselves up emotionally too. Just cause you can't see the scar, doesn't mean it's not there.
I prefer to see it. Remember why it happened. Learn from it and move on. Be proud that you made it through.

Like so many things in life, I wish people were more open about this. I wish teenagers going through the same pain I went through felt like they didn't have to hide that pain -- maybe if they didn't feel the need to hide it, it wouldn't be so internalized that they would have to express it through self-injury. It's a vicious circle.

Couldn't we.. shouldn't we just look at these scars and marks and say "hey, ok, so that's part of where she came from. But maybe it'd be better to figure out where she's headed." Instead of saying "bad girl, don't cut yourself", look for the reason why this person is in so much emotion pain that physical pain is a welcome distraction? And then try to HELP, instead of judge? Maybe if we shared.. maybe if we weren't ashamed, or MADE to feel ashamed, nobody would have to hurt like I - and so many others - have, and do. (I don't think shame is a natural emotion... our parents teach it to us.. our teachers, our friends, our mentors, our church leaders teach it to us.. we aren't born knowing shame).

I kinda love my scars. You should too.

Monday, April 11, 2011

MORE random

Went to cali!
The best part? The beach, hands down. I can FEEL it when I'm near it, even if I can't see or hear it. I just know. And it heals my soul.

See.. I would never look that goofy if I wasn't deliriously happy.

(Steph, if you're reading this, I wished you'd been there).

I put my toes in the sand and let the tide freeze them to death.. Brent danced.. I spun around like a little kid...

That is my happiness, my peace. Where I heal my soul.
I was fortunate to go to two beaches and had a traveling partner who was very chill and easy to hang out with.

Saw/stayed with my BFF from childhood and caused our usual havoc ;-)

Had a "meeting" with Sophia's .. other DNA donator..
and spent about 20 mins with a man who I fell in love with 7 yrs ago and... timing has never been on my side, so he is now married with a baby. And we both still.. feel that pull. It was nice to see him. But.. bittersweet. I had a chance. I lost it. That doesn't come along so often... sometimes never. Sometimes once.
I lost it. :(

Dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Haven't slept for 48 hours. Should.

Beginning to see the "passed on" regularly, as a part of regular every day life. It startles me, still. Don't know that it will ever be easy for me. But I'm constantly being reminded by my guides and angels that we are protected. I think something big is coming, that will test us all to the max. But I think that I am strong enough, and I have help.

Now, if I could only know what is right for me.. which way to go, what step to take next.
Limbo is not my favorite place. Denial is. But neither gets me far.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Starting Over

(and hoping to do it right, this time?)

Over the past.. 6 months? I've purged my life of a lot of "Friends" who weren't true friends. But people who I spent years cultivating some sort of close relationship with. Whether it was healthy or not, there was comfort in that.

So at this point, I have nearly zero people left in my life who have been there for more than a very short time. Nobody who knows me. Nobody who has been there.
It's disconcerting, and sometimes depressing. Sometimes... I feel like I'm living in absolute soul seclusion.

I'm meeting new people, making new friends.
But after dropping people who I had known for 3, 4, 7, 10 years... newness isn't fun anymore. I want comfort. I want ... what I had.. but healthier.
And maybe in 10 years I will have that.
But right now... it's just a lot of pain and loneliness. It's hard to enjoy. I know, there is something wrong with me for feeling that way. Isn't that what everyone wants? NEW NEW NEW? New car, new lover, new and exciting friends, new places to go, new everything?

I want ... comfort, like an old couch that knows your body shape and folds you in like a long-time friend, in a long embrace.
Just the way you know is comfy. Just what works.

I don't want the new. I don't want the awkward. I don't want the not knowing.

But I shoved myself into this position, so here I am. Someday, I think.. hope.. pray.. beg.. that I will look back and be glad.
Right now, the one person whose arms i feel most comfortable in is.. elusive.. transitory.. at best.
I knew that it was that way, but I chose to keep it anyway.

Love, and comfort, and knowing someone's soul. powerful things.
Like gravity. Almost.. impossible to escape. And you can't ever overcome it forever.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Randomness and Ranting

Haven't posted in a bit.

The world spins madly on... some days and weeks go by so slow it feels they'll never end, but then suddenly I realize it's been a month and I didn't get anything done. Time is a very strange thing, but I guess that's because it's a human invention, after all.

I can't organize my thoughts very well tonight, but I needed to get some things out, and give some updates.

-- Still no settlement on my car from the accident. I had to pay for the rental out of pocket. (GRR).I am grateful for the car that my dad is able to lend me, though it's eccentricities and issues have no bounds, it GENERALLY gets me from point A to point B. I have a lovely sunburn mostly on my left arm from driving around with the window down (amazing how the tint actually really creates a barrier.. LOL).

We are healing, slowly. The kids are doing better than I am. As we speak, my left shoulder is so knotted up, muscles torn, etc that it looks visible about an inch larger/more swollen than my right. Yay, fun.

I quit the new job, after groveling for it. Ha. It was not worth it.. not even close to worth it. I miss IHOP, but I put myself in a position where they wouldn't take me back on purpose.. I need to move forward. I'm just sure how, or to what, at this point. I have to be making some money, but the things that are manifesting in my life that I KNOW I should be doing and that will bring me happiness... they aren't going to support me and my family right now. Not yet.

I completely lost my spirituality. I mean, completely, for a while. I just began doing Reiki again, and have had some interesting dreams as well. Scary ones, that I'm a little bit frightened to see the outcome of (as I know the difference between my empathic and psychic dreams and "just dreams"). But, at least the energy is flowing again. My sister is kind of a genius with these things and helped me do an "energy flush" that helped a lot. Actually, now that I think of it, that was about when my seizures stopped... hmm!

I joined an A Capella group called !nverted. A very, very talented group of musicians that I feel a little bit "behind" in, but.. I think that we/they will go far. I hope that I can keep up. I don't like playing the single mom card, but it's literally been so incredibly impossible for me to sit down and take time to learn my parts at home. People don't seem to understand the level on which Eli destroys and consumes every second of my life at home with him... The chaos.. I love the boy with all my heart, but there are parts of me that think I will never be able to accomplish anything inmy life except basic survival until he is an independent adult.

Which brings me to my rant...

For 6 years I have been a single mom... I've always accepted all that comes along with that, including the fact that I may NEVER see a single dime (especially from Sophia's dad). Eli's dad helps me out, now, and does his best. We have our differences, but I have some respect for the fact that he tries.

But I see this happen SO often.. that a man thinks .. he needs to follow his dreams (don't we ALL feel that way?) and he puts that as his #1 priority. I CAN'T DO THAT.
I guess, I could, if I didn't really care about my kids. But I care about them. I can't just push them aside and be constantly broke, put them in danger of being without clothes, food, a home, etc. I can't NOT work a steady job no matter how it kills me (and, right now, working literally KILLS me).

I do not have an extra second in my life to practice for auditions, practice for competitions, take lessons, hone my talents, seek out opportunities. I just don't. And yes, after 6 years, it breaks my heart sometimes. Especially when I do get hopefully about things and make plans and then realize.. my kids need me more than I need to do this. And if anything I'm doing ever compromises that, I have to step away from that path.

It is hard, it is painful. But that's what you do when you love your kids. You put aside what you want so that they can have what they NEED.
Sometimes you even put aside what you need.

So, we'll see, I guess. But I'm angry. Angry that Sophia's "dad" has spent the past.. oh, 20 or so years chasing HIS dreams and owes me thousands in back-support, and then has the audacity to whine about not being able to get a passport, having to work shitty temp jobs, etc etc.. Please. He had his chance. When do I get mine?
When's it my turn?