Friday, September 30, 2011

I Hate Loving, Dammit.


I know this is unhealthy and uninspiring, but I've got to get it out.

What is WRONG with me?

What girl in their right mind wouldn't fall at the feet of a man who offers her every FREAKIN THING she's ever asked for or wished for silently.. who accepts the baggage and even loves it.. who worships things I hate about myself?
What's wrong with me?
Why I am I so dead set on loving someone BACK, on worshiping them back?

I have to sadly admit that honestly.. loving someone is way better than being loved. And while I love being loved... the few times I have truly felt that way, for a moment.. I love loving even more. A lot more.

And It Is Necessary.
It is an absolute must.
I can't be with someone that I don't feel completely unreasonable adoration for. I can't be with someone that I love if I'm not head-over-heels-stupid-in-love with them.

As I'm sitting here contemplating how much easier my life could get if I could just get over this stupid obsession with loving someone, I'm really mad.
I was telling a friend the other night that THIS is one of the prime reasons I became atheist. And it's true. I CANNOT believe in a "god" that has any control over anything that would allow this bullshit.
Falling in love with people who don't give a crap about you... Other people falling in love with you and you loving them for it but not falling IN love with them... heartbreak, all over the fuckin place. It's not cool, man! IF YOU'RE UP THERE, DO YOU HEAR ME?

nah, you never have..
but really.

It's inane.
I've wasted 4 years of my life holding my heart out to a man... holding it out, dripping blood and guts and tears and willing to DIE for the chance to see him take it and appreciate all the times it's beat for him. All the times it's skipped a beat a two. All the times I've wished it'd stop altogether, and all the times I've listened to his heart and willed mine into beating exactly in time.

It's fucking inane.

That, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" stuff? B.S.!!! I call B.S.
It is better not to know what that kind of love feels like..
and to just settle happily into something peaceful, easy, and ... without passion. Without angst. Without tears. Without sleepless nights where I look myself in the eye in the mirror at 5 am and don't recognize my own face from all the crying and begging and pleading with... air. Nothing. Empty space.

I deserve not to fucking know the kind of joy I've known because I deserve not to have to feel this pain.
I shouldn't have to inflict it on someone else either. Someone that I truly love. Deeply. Someone who feels a little more like "home" every day, because he takes care of me... Because he's amazing. I love him. He deserves for me to give him my all, and I CAN'T right now (nor do I know if I will ever)!!!! And it makes me crazy.

"deserve".. what a stupid word. I know that.
But tonight I'm being stupid. And I deserve for the man that I've given my all, my best, and my everything to, to give me something big in return.
I can't say I'm not holding out for it, even as I'm giving up hope. I let him go a little more every day, but at the oddest and most inopportune moments, I find a stubborn strand of my heart hanging on for dear life.. or death.. whatever the case may be.
it's hanging on, and I can't cut it loose.

Lord have I tried. I have done my best. I have failed.

So this begs the question --
do I buckle down and accept the love from someone I can't love equally, because.. it would be so GOOD for my kids to have that stability (every kind of stability).. it would probably be good for me, to be treated well. To know what it's like to be seen as someone amazing, not just a piece of amazing .. uh.. something... (ha...) It would be good for me to not be stressed to the point of staying in bed, crying until 4 or 5 pm many days, only jumping out of bed to avert the worst disasters my 2 yr old can conjure up.

Or.... do I stop being such a fucking pussy, figure out a way (though I have tried, SO FUCKING GODDAMN HARD) to do this on my own, and just accept that I will never have that little piece of heaven? Or... hope that someday I'll get over it. forget it.. and find that heaven somewhere else? in the arms of someone who truly deserves ME?

I want to see life as beautiful, and many days, I do.
But tonight, it is uglified in all it's fucking glory. I want to punch it in the face.

there, I said it. I'm an immature 13 yr old in a 27 yr old's body with a mom haircut.
It's not fair.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I can do anything for...

It's hard to know what to write when you haven't written for so long.

You'd think I'd be busting at the seams with anecdotes or inspiration or.. something. But Life has left me feeling pretty empty, lately.

However, I was pretty determined to write a blog tonight. It's better than writing another stupid email, or a million facebook status updates.

I've been thinking about how I really wish I was one of those super-witty blog writers like EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW .. I probably could be... I AM the girl who joked her way through the most painful labor/childbirth in the known history of the world. seriously. I was asking for a gun to shoot myself and cracking jokes in between contractions.
But. I'm not feeling witty lately, not at all. And while I'm still cracking jokes in between disasters and nervous breakdowns, I don't have a lot to say that I feel anyone could benefit from. Laugh at. Cry with. Anything.

While I was sitting here thinking about what I could possibly write that would tie any of what's going on in my life into a blog post, the stuff about labor and childbirth and shooting myself and my life right now and yoga (yeah, yoga) all brought it together for me.

I can do anything 10 times. (Sit-ups in yoga). I can do anything for 5 minutes (horrifically intense contractions + pushing a watermelon sized item through a pea-sized hole). I can do anything for one day (put aside my own misery, drama, loathing of my situation, and desire to RUN AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS.. for my kids).

I can do anything.
I don't really want to admit that because if life piles anything more on top of what I'm already doing, I'm ... not going to take it very well. I will cry and hit things and smoke a cigarette and protest and say "I WILL NOT, CANNOT do this. I'm done. I give up. I quit."
and then I'll fuckin do it, because I can do anything for 5 minutes, 10 times, a day, a week...

four months..?

I can miss my brother for 3 and a half years and will miss him every day until we get to meet on the same "plane" again.
I can be lonely for a whole day. Every day. For the rest of my life, if I have to. Even if it's until I'm 80. I did it today, so I can do it tomorrow.

I can live where I have to live even if I really don't like it, and give up control of my life, and sleep on the floor and listen to underhanded comments whispered about my parenting and my bad life skills and try to make ends meet and play with my kids when I'd rather be sleeping. I can do that until I find a way to fix it.

I can miss the man I love the most in this world for four months, not knowing what will happen after those four months, because I did it today, yesterday, and for the past month, and I will do it tomorrow too. And I might do it for the rest of my life.

But I can do anything.

I can pull my daughter out of the charter school that I pushed so hard to get her into and homeschool her because I'm being taught another lesson about never saying never. I never was going to homeschool my kids, especially not my social butterfly. But this is what she needs. And I can do anything.

And if I can do anything, I can eventually get back into my own place, be my kids' mom, get my license back, work 2 jobs. I can record a demo CD, I can make money off of playing for weddings and events, I can pound the pavement until someone notices me. I can do it forever. I can find a career that supports my family, and I can push aside my disabilities and make it work. One day at a time.
Cause I can do anything for a day.

I can do anything.
Fuck, that really sucks to admit. ;)