It's hard to know what to write when you haven't written for so long.
You'd think I'd be busting at the seams with anecdotes or inspiration or.. something. But Life has left me feeling pretty empty, lately.
However, I was pretty determined to write a blog tonight. It's better than writing another stupid email, or a million facebook status updates.
I've been thinking about how I really wish I was one of those super-witty blog writers like EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW .. I probably could be... I AM the girl who joked her way through the most painful labor/childbirth in the known history of the world. seriously. I was asking for a gun to shoot myself and cracking jokes in between contractions.
But. I'm not feeling witty lately, not at all. And while I'm still cracking jokes in between disasters and nervous breakdowns, I don't have a lot to say that I feel anyone could benefit from. Laugh at. Cry with. Anything.
While I was sitting here thinking about what I could possibly write that would tie any of what's going on in my life into a blog post, the stuff about labor and childbirth and shooting myself and my life right now and yoga (yeah, yoga) all brought it together for me.
I can do anything 10 times. (Sit-ups in yoga). I can do anything for 5 minutes (horrifically intense contractions + pushing a watermelon sized item through a pea-sized hole). I can do anything for one day (put aside my own misery, drama, loathing of my situation, and desire to RUN AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS.. for my kids).
I can do anything.
I don't really want to admit that because if life piles anything more on top of what I'm already doing, I'm ... not going to take it very well. I will cry and hit things and smoke a cigarette and protest and say "I WILL NOT, CANNOT do this. I'm done. I give up. I quit."
and then I'll fuckin do it, because I can do anything for 5 minutes, 10 times, a day, a week...
I can miss my brother for 3 and a half years and will miss him every day until we get to meet on the same "plane" again.
I can be lonely for a whole day. Every day. For the rest of my life, if I have to. Even if it's until I'm 80. I did it today, so I can do it tomorrow.
I can live where I have to live even if I really don't like it, and give up control of my life, and sleep on the floor and listen to underhanded comments whispered about my parenting and my bad life skills and try to make ends meet and play with my kids when I'd rather be sleeping. I can do that until I find a way to fix it.
I can miss the man I love the most in this world for four months, not knowing what will happen after those four months, because I did it today, yesterday, and for the past month, and I will do it tomorrow too. And I might do it for the rest of my life.
But I can do anything.
I can pull my daughter out of the charter school that I pushed so hard to get her into and homeschool her because I'm being taught another lesson about never saying never. I never was going to homeschool my kids, especially not my social butterfly. But this is what she needs. And I can do anything.
And if I can do anything, I can eventually get back into my own place, be my kids' mom, get my license back, work 2 jobs. I can record a demo CD, I can make money off of playing for weddings and events, I can pound the pavement until someone notices me. I can do it forever. I can find a career that supports my family, and I can push aside my disabilities and make it work. One day at a time.
Cause I can do anything for a day.
I can do anything.
Fuck, that really sucks to admit. ;)