Living Healed

I think.. maybe.. trepidatiously.. I can say that I am healing. A little bit. And there are backslides and moments when I am sure the whole wound will rip open, worse than before, fester and kill me without any warning.

But..

I just keep reminding myself, like I do when I'm walking the halls with my 18-month-old at 3 am, and he's screaming.. and I would like nothing more than to go into a coma for a few months... I murmur, "it's ok.. you're okay. It's ok.. you're ok.." I never have known who I was saying it to more.
And here I am saying it still.

We're okay. It's okay.
Eventually the dark night will be over and morning will come. I have to believe that. The sun has never refused to rise, before..
And while my "night" has been very, very long.. the sun has never refused to rise.

Perhaps I've had cloudy days in between when the sun was there and I could barely see it through my windows.. when I refused to throw open the windows and let it in anyway. It's all darkness to me, in this state of mind. I'm not sure how to see anything else lately.
I've lived this way for so long.
Broken.

I have to live healed. Whole.
Anahata.

Love

Everyone keeps telling me to love myself.

My natural, smart-ass response is that I love myself just fine. Better than a lot of men, I just need some double A batteries or a massaging showerhead.. sorry, TMI. ;)

BUT, in all seriousness. I've been told time and time again, I have to fully love myself before anybody else can love me.
I think this is totally bullshit. Sorry to all of those who have said this, but I see LOTS of people who don't love themselves, and have other people who love them very much. They have boyfriends, they move in together, they get married. They are loved.

This morning, I asked the ONE ex that I was SURE had really loved me, if he had been in love with me when we were together.

He said, "umm.. sorry, I really wasn't."

I didn't think it would bother me that much cause.. um, I wasn't in love with HIM. But I was WITH him because I was sure that he was in love with me, and thus far every man I'd chosen for myself had just used and abused me, and then left me when I became inconvenient (pregnant, emotional, demanding of time or attention, etc).

So, he wasn't.
So, nobody's ever been in love with me. MAYBE, maybe, the first boyfriend I had... from ages 16-18.. maybe. But it was so long ago, and I was a different person. And he dumped me, not vice versa.

So this leaves me with a perfect track record.....

What do I do with that? How am I supposed to believe it can EVER happen?
My real question is, how can you love yourself if nobody's ever loved YOU?

Please, I want real input. If you have anything to say about this (besides "well, you'll figure it out once you love yourself")...

I'm interested. I want to know. Most of you out there reading this are married. Have been in love and have been loved. Are loved. People like you. You have friends that enjoy your company. You don't go to bed crying every night either in an empty bed or smothered by children and animals... not being held by someone who gives to you rather than just takes.

I miss having someone who texted me "G'night, Sugar. XOXO" every night. I miss that. I miss him. He wasn't even in love with me. But my god.. I am lonely.
And I don't know how to fix this. I have no clue.

It doesn't mean I love my kids any less. It doesn't mean I don't find joy in our time together.
It means I'm a normal human being who wants what we were put on this earth to want. Love, god fucking dammit. LOVE.

Dying

I just quit my job..

I have been feeling like I was dying, or had very strong urges TO die, for months now..

I just found the best thing ever. This is it. This is why.

http://lightworkers.org/blog/122069/dark-night-soul

What I Learned In Therapy (Today)

I'm lonely.

I use sex (or other favors -- buying alcohol, gifts, whatever) to lure people to me and falsely abate that loneliness.

This has resulted in.. worsened self-esteem, more loneliness, and more pain than I ever imagined.
This has resulted in me being more alone than ever in my life, alienating people, 12 miscarriages and 2 (amazing, beautiful, brilliant) children (that I would never give back), one of whom doesn't even HAVE a father. THAT man started my belief that sex was the only way I would ever keep a man around.
Every man since then has only heightened and affirmed that belief.

I'm pissed at you guys.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm pissed at me, too. This vagina is closed for business.

This post is waaaaay off the path of what I wanted this blog to be, and I just revealed way more about me than I ever wanted anyone to know. But you know what?

Honesty is MY policy and it always will be. I have to be honest with MYSELF, first and foremost. That is the most important thing. But honesty with others is the truest kindness.. honesty about your SELF.. because only then can we find true understanding and empathy..
and

love.

Anger

It's one of the stages of grief, right?
I've been through a lot of grieving, the past few years. Of various kinds. Death comes in many, many forms.

Right now I'm angry. With people, with myself.. with the universe. I know my path and I accept it, but begrudgingly.
So, how can I work with an entity that I'm at odds with?
How do I bring myself to peace with the path that is mine, no matter how I try to tip-toe around the hard parts (which seems, so far, to be every inch of it)?

Put my head down... let the wind blow.. try to breathe? Accept that life will never be fair or just.... that bad things happen to good people.. ESPECIALLY to good people?

I apologize for my less-than-inspiring post today.
I'm in a rut, one that we all know well. I can't do good for others as I am failing to do good for myself, no matter how I try. I'm trying to develop spiritually while devaluing my spirituality.

If you are at odds with yourself you are not happy

this much I have always known...

Redefining MY Happiness

My friend Stephanie told me today... to redefine my happy.

At first I was a little frustrated - I had sent a text asking for help having strength in not contacting someone. Frankly, I wanted someone to tell me it was okay. But it's not, and everyone was really helpful.

But every since I received THAT text, it's all I can think about.

How many things in life do we have control over, and how many do we not?

One thing that we have absolute control over is our thoughts, which are what define our feelings, though sometimes our feelings seem uncontrollable.

Situations.. sometimes we can't change them. Some things are out of our control. What we think about our situations? It may take some practice.. and I need a LOT of practice, but I do believe that we can completely change our view of something in such a way that we can, in fact, ReDefine our Happiness.

What makes you happy?

Rather than sitting and yearning for a happy memory that I can't have a repeat of (and technically doesn't exist, because this is now, not THEN), why not do something else that makes me really happy? Instead of trying to fill the void of DAN with.. DAN... since doing so would end up causing me more pain and would be turning around on my path and pausing or completely destroying my progress... Can I fill it with.. Zumba? Singing? Playing with my children? Doing readings for people? Reading a book?
Doing something nice for someone else?

My heart is telling me right now, "that's not the SAME as laying in bed with him, your head on his chest, his fingers in your hair. It won't produce the same happy."

But maybe it can. Maybe it can be enough. And maybe I need to look at the long-term effects of the things that make me "happy" and choose only those things that continually cause it, rather than a short high and a very long low..?

Hmm.

The Transition

This is hard for me, but so easy at the same time.

The hard part? Wondering how many people in my life will accept my new truths, and my new path. Trying to accept that it doesn't MATTER, because it's MY path, not theirs.

The easy part? Knowing it's right. When something is this true, you can't deny it. No matter how hard you might try.

I've kicked and fought and turned my back on anything religious for about 10 years.. and then even anything spiritual, for the past 2 or 3.

I see too many things wrong with believing in ONE all-powerful being in charge of everything in the universe.

However, there is something. There's a source for all this energy that's floating around, and that energy doesn't, and will NEVER, go away. It is infinite, it can not be extinguished. Only transferred.

I can't deny that I saw spirits/ghosts (beings who have passed on) regularly as a child. I blocked it out as I got older. When a 5 yr old says she's afraid of ghosts, what does every parent say? Ghosts aren't real.

They were real to me.. hence, they were real.

I can't deny that I've had frighteningly accurate premonitions of major world and life events.

I can't deny that my deceased brother is ever-present in my life, and even sometimes visual to me.

I can't deny empathic experiences I've had that have completely changed my soul. I can't deny having message relayed through me from those who have passed on, to those still here on earth who needed to hear them, and seeing the absolute relief and healing that can come from this.

I can't and will not deny that I KNOW now.. I know that none of these things I've experienced were false or fake or imagined. I know that we, the entire human race, have a power within is that IS, I believe, the "source". WE are the most powerful beings there are, and we have the potential to become god LIKE. Our power is fueled by pure, unconditional love for ourselves, others, and the universe. But as with most things, we must start with ourSelves. Only then can we experience the true joy of love in all it's forms.

I've never loved myself. It's like seeing a person that you know is decent.. you can name off a hundred good character traits.. but you don't really like them. You don't know why. You don't want to be around them, that's for sure, but you can say they're a good person. Maybe there are some things about them that bother you. Maybe they bore you.

That's how I've felt about myself.

I could make a list of my positive traits. I could make a list of some negative ones, but I try not to focus on those except in the light of changing them into strengths.

But I don't love myself. I don't want to be alone with me. I don't want to go to the movies with me. I don't want to lay in bed alone with me.

Until I learn this, how can I show anyone else how to love me? How can anyone else believe that I'm loveable?

This is painful to write. I've been pushing this truth away for a very long time.

Time to face the truth, and walk through my hell. It's not so bad because I have a few pieces of heaven with me...

and the hope that at the end, the edge of all this, there will be someone and something waiting that is better than I could have imagined, and better than I would have deserved before I walked through this hell.

I've been walking through a lot of hells for the past 7 or 8 years... and the worst of it, in the past 3. But part of the problem is I haven't made it far enough to see around the next corner. To see that there's a light at the end of it. I keep turning around and trying the same things, because it is all I've known to do. I learned hopelessness and disbelief this way. Time to make the decision to just keep walking.. or running. THROUGH it.

Part of this post inspired by http://www.danoah.com/2011/02/thousand-roads-through-hell.html

Single Dad Laughing.. AMAZING blog. Inspiring, beautiful.

The Plan

This is my year .. the year for my Self.

I received confirmation from a reading that I'm probably going to be single for quite a while longer (2 years ish) and while this really upset me.. and still does.. hell, I've been alone long enough! I am realizing that this is an opportunity to make the most of my "free" time. Not that it's that free, with 2 little kids, but THIS is when I need to focus on ME.

My son's dad once posted this quote on facebook, "You have to know where you're going before you know who you're taking with you."

Ironic. It has stuck with me for a long time. I've never had a really firm direction in life, except, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. That's all it's been for 7 years.

There are things I want to do, but I let myself feel crippled by my situation.

While I have made decisions to put off a career or school so that I can remain in a flexible job and spend more time with my children during their formative years, I've also used that as a crutch because the thought of truly reaching for a goal scares the shit out of me. I'm terrified of more disappointment, and failure. But in the, um, words sung by Miley Cyrus (don't laugh.. ok, you can laugh), "it's the climb". The journey is what matters, and it's beautiful.

The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet. Why do we waste so much of now on those things that don't exist?

I'm reaching farther than I ever have before, letting go of all that's gone before.

I have a plan, and I'm gonna follow it, and see where it leads. It may not be where I expect, but it will surely teach me something that I need to know. And a direction is better than standing in one place, spinning in circles or sitting with my head in my hands.

I've found a new child-like wonder in the world, suddenly able to believe in a "magic" that I couldn't, before, because it's been shown to me in a way that makes sense in my heart. I think we all need that, and it comes to us all in different ways. There will be a universal understanding and truth, but we all have different paths to it. We are powerful beings and I haven't been so excited .. ever.. as to see what I can do with MY power.

I'm going to audition for American Idol, I'm going to study Reiki, I'm going to go to school for English, and I'm going to reconnect with my children and the joy of being a mother. I'm going to take my daughter to Disneyland. Go to the beach. Go to a Zumba/Yoga retreat in Costa Rica. I don't know where I'll get the money, but I'm manifesting this to the universe. This is MY year to fall in love.. with me.

Too Much To Say

So I won't say much at all, to begin with.

I'm starting this because I'm at the beginning of a new path in life, and I'm excited about it. I know, for the first time, that I'm on the RIGHT path. MY path. And I want to look back on my journey and remember.

So much has happened in the past few weeks, and I've experienced huge ups and downs. Lost a lover, gained a new family member, endured a lot of illness, had a past-life regression, practiced my skills as a Medium, started going to conventional therapy..

And tonight, I need to cleanse my house and leave my little fairy friends a gift to play with, so they stop keeping my son awake all night. Yes, he's elven and mischievous and lovely, but we need sleep.