Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Problem

I was sitting here, with all this silly rapture talk surrounding me, thinking.. what if this was my last day on earth, REALLY? What if? I mean, it could be for anyone, for any reason. And I've seen a lot of very sudden, seemingly premature death in my little world lately. (RIP Bobby :( and Wimeru! )

Anyway, the point is that I was wondering what kind of regrets I might have, if that were the case.
You know what I'd do? I'd grab my kiddos, get together w/my family, call a special few amazing friends, and just hold onto those babies and be grateful for every second I got with them.
I wouldn't regret that I was never famous, or that my life ended when I had no car or job. I'd be super happy that I was able to spend a lot of time with my kids in the recent past... I'd possibly regret all the sadness that has taken over my life, so that's something I need to work on. Not good to waste time being miserable.

I would feel relief, that I wouldn't have to be stressed about "making something" of my life. That I wouldn't have to keep striving for someone else's idea of success and feeling like I've failed, day after day.
.. what the hell, I don't have a car or a job? OH WELL!
I went out last night and had more fun than I've had in a long time. I remembered how to BE fun.
Lately, when I hug my kids or they do something cute, or I get to watch them sleeping peacefully, I savor the moment a little bit more.

Cause I've been thinking about what's important, and the PROBLEM IS... that I'm trying to live up to what the world thinks is important so I am not looked at as a failure.
I quit my job at IHOP cause it "wasn't good enough for me". Whatever. I liked it, and I liked my co-workers, and I miss it.
I spent more time cleaning my house and yelling at my kids for messing it up than playing with them, before we had to vacate and go stay with a friend. Because.. oh yeah, the world sees messes as bad. Fail. Lazy.
I like clean, but how much of it do I do because it's what *I* want, and how much is because I don't want to be viewed a certain way?

I've been thinking, what would I do with my future if I really didn't care what anyone else thought about it? I could be perfectly damn happy if I found a job I was content with and comfortable in, even if it was fast food, and I got to sing my heart out a few times a week at karaoke.. maybe some Zumba and Yoga in there.. yep. I'd be even happier if I didn't have to have a stupid job, and I could just sing and play the piano and hang out with my kids. Maybe open a little practice doing Reiki and Tarot readings and such, be a much more realistic and less cheesy version of Jennifer Love Hewitt in the Ghost Whisperer... Help people out, cause I love that shit.
I'd love it if I could be with a man who could support that, and love me for me. But, I'm not supposed to want to be with a man, cause that's not liberated enough of me. Oooooops.

The PROBLEM IS, I don't get to do much of what makes me happy cause I spend so much time trying to do what people think I'm supposed to do.
And the other problem is, I have to make a certain amount of money to support 3 whole people. Since nobody else (read, loser dad people) is contributing to that.

Now I just need to figure out a solution. Certainly, it's good to know what the problem is, and realize what COULD make me happy.
Just, to make it happen.. hm.

I just wanna do WHAT I WANNA DO. I need to find a way to facilitate that (financially, mostly). Which means.. maybe I go to school for a few years and become a paralegal or a court reporter or something I don't care too much about, but would support us. Or maybe I get a boob job and start stripping, cause that's a lot of income for very little time and boobs are only boobs. Seriously. What would be so wrong with any of that?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Do I Exist?

I have a feeling I do.. somewhere deep down, there is a ME. I have seen glimpses of her lately.. when I'm around the right people (a visit with a childhood friend.. when I sing.. sometimes in therapy..). But when I look back, I realize I lost her many years ago.

I'm not sure if I ever had much of a grip on her. One thing that remains a consistent thread in my life is that I.. am not much in it. It's about someone else, something else, always. I felt completely isolated and without worth until I figured out how to make boys notice me. And then I learned to be who a boy wanted me to be so I wouldn't be alone, and this could vary from boy to boy.
And then I started having children, and this gave me something to be. I'm a MOM. That's
an identity right? That's who I am.

But wait.. no, that's not who I am. It's a part of it. And it's what I do. It's something that NOW defines part of me, but not all of me. I have been a mother for 7 years if you count gestation. I've been Faith for almost 27. So who is THAT?

Strip away the mom, the girl who wants to please the man she's in love with, the girl who helps people because it makes her feel at least, useful.. the person who wants.. just to be liked.... and who is left?

Do I even exist?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Saying Goodbye (or.. see ya later)

It's never easy, but sometimes it's beautiful. If you know that person is moving on to healing and happiness they weren't able to achieve before.

I could never describe the feeling of being embraced and thanked by an earth-bound spirit for the (fumbling, uneducated) help I gave them. To see the light go back into their eyes as they knew they were moving toward a lightness of being.. a higher vibration, and a place of freedom from the weight and sadness and pain they carried from this life.

But.. it is one of the most beautiful blessings that comes with my gift that sometimes feels like a curse. For all the pain, doubt, and fear that I've experienced, that moment of holding a soul in your arms and knowing the best is yet to come for you both? That's .. divinity.

See ya later, girl.. it was nice having you here for a while. We'll meet again in a happier time.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Project: Love (Myself)

I was thinking, intently and humbly for once, about the idea that many people have presented to me that I do not love myself, and until I can love/like myself/enjoy my own company, no one else will either.

I have brushed it off by saying.. I know what I'm worth, it's jus tthat nobody bothers to look deep enough.

Not true.

I tried to think about one thing I truly think is awesome about me.

..... I love my kids more than my own life. But... to be honest, the emotional pain I'm often in IS enough that I've considered leaving them. and I hate myself for that.

I've been told I have pretty eyes. But if I don't have makeup on, I hate every inch of my face.

I'm talented, but it's gotten me nowhere.

I'm smart, but.. it's gotten me nowhere.

I'm strong, but not strong enough.

I HAVE to find one thing I can say I at least like about ME, without the word "but" after it.

.... I.. like.. my ability to not judge. To see all sides of an equation, to walk a mile in another person's shoes.. to feel what they feel and love them unconditionally.

There's one thing.

I intend to do this until I find 30. If I can't find one, please help...

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The darkest recesses

I don't know yet if I will publish this publicly or privately. I am one to share... everything. But so much.. perhaps it is wise to keep close to the vest, until the right time, or the right person comes along.

But I must have an outlet.

Todd, she is still by my side so much. She haunts me... I mean, in the true sense of the word, but constantly in my thoughts.. I see her face as clearly as if we'd been best friends for years. I hear her voice. She doesn't smile much, these days, and I look at her pictures... she looked so very happy. I have the same thought that so many others must have had.. "WHY? Why would someone happy and beautiful and so LOVED choose to take her own life so early?"

I've heard many of the reasons. She didn't want to be a burden. She was in pain. Physically and emotionally, though she hid it well. She wanted to be remembered as a beautiful and happy person, before it deteriorated.

And then there is me.
I am not beautiful, really. I am rarely happy, and have been plagued by this chronic depression and self-loathing (which stemmed from others not accepting me so very early on)... I am not fun, I am not outgoing, I am not successful. I am sitting in a bed that is not mine, in a house that is not mine. My beautiful children (my only pride... and yet, did I really do that, or did divinity?).. they lay sleeping next to me and i wonder, if i let go NOW, would they be okay? Would they be better, especially if they didn't know it wasn't an accident? Would they grow up revering their brave single mom instead of looking back with loathing on my constant tearfulness and short temper, my inability to be fun..

Thus far, life has truly taught me these things:

People only want me around if 1) they are very lonely, and I am their last choice for company, and I am willing to do all the work.. 2)I can help them gain something, financially, monetarily, etc.. or 3) they want to have sex with me.

I have been told I'm frightening to look at without makeup on. I've been told that nobody could love me because of my "cold" personality. I've been promised that I was loved deeply and that he'd marry me someday, and then abandoned when the 2nd line showed up on that pregnancy test.
I've been told by every man I've ever loved than he NEVER LOVED ME.
Except the one man who won't be with me. He loved me, once, so he says. He loves me still "As a friend".

I have a basic human need. I need to feel loved. I need to be someone's priority. I need for all my work and sacrifices to pay off... to be able to give my children happiness. A stable family environment. The things they need to grow into the people they have the potential to be.
I have been denied that need for more years than not, and .. Every rope has its end. Is it time for me to end this, and start over again? Is there any way that I will be able to find the joy that I so want and deserve in this life?

Don't fucking tell me that as long as I place that responsibility on finding a man, that I will not find happiness.
I have had beautiful, confident, happy times in my life.. in fact, one of the best times of my life was when I met Dan.
My unfortunate soul mate. The one I will never be able to fully live without. The one no one will ever measure up to. When I met him, I was happy. I felt good about me, about life, about my parenting, about my friends.. everything.

And then everything broke.

I'm only 26. But I feel so old. And I feel as though I've derailed so far that I will never get on the track I want to be on. My kids deserve better than me.. and I'm tired of being a burden on everyone.
I want to be the person who everyone looks forward to seeing and talking to. Who brings light into the room with her. I want to be someone that Dan can't wait to be around, rather than someone he tolerates for a night every few weeks so that he can get his cookies, because.. hell, I am good in bed.
Like I said, it's about all I have going for me.

I was born with extraordinary potential. Musical talent, intelligence, a knack for the written word, empathy, and strength.

How did I end up here? How do I dig out? I've been trying, praying, manifesting, working, sacrificing. There is only so long I can pour every bit of my soul into something and get nothing back.

That time is coming to an end.