Doubt

Is any of this real?

And.. if it is (or ISN'T).. does it MATTER?!

Really. I mean, what matters besides what we believe? Until we're proven wrong....

I want to believe I won't always be alone. I find ways of believing it, for moments.
But the truth is that I will....
I know that like I know the sun will rise tomorrow. No matter how hard I try, I can't change it.

And sometimes that makes me sob my guts out til I can't breathe. Sometimes.

Learning to be Alone, and Single Parenting

It sucks
sometimes.

Rule #1: never hope for anything ELSE. Because it IS enough. But if you forget that, you are doomed.

Rule #2: NEVER EVER EVER hope for ANYTHING else.

Rule #2.5: Don't count on anyone, ever. Nobody. And always expect people to bail on you, or you are doomed. Your life is not easy, and it is only fun in ways that you can understand. Because you're your kids' mom. The good things are only visible to you in the best moments. Nobody else wants this. Remember that, and be okay with it.

Rule #3: remind yourself every day never to hope for anything else. Why? because..

Rule #4: Your kids are the BEST thing that will ever happen to you. Not a man. Not a friend. Not a job. Not a career. Not a million dollars. Your kids.

That is all.

"Hope is the worst of all evils, for it prolongs the torment of man." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Perfection

Something about the past week or two has completely changed me. And not in a bad way, despite all the trauma, tears, frustration, pain, mistakes, and feeling alone.

I have somehow regained my ability to be grateful. For the tiniest things. And amazed.

Those two perfect little beings came from ME.
They are sweet, and beautiful, and incredibly intelligent. Sometimes they drive me crazy, but their brilliance is beyond measure.
And I take FULL credit for that. I raised these kids. Yes, I send them to a babysitter when I'm at work, but I am my kids' mom. I am. I love them so intensely that through all my mistakes and self-absorbed moments and misery and confusion, my 6 yr old can see right through that and say she KNOWS.. she knows that they are the most important things in my life. She knows I love her. She knows that when I'm mean or impatient, I don't mean to be, and she knows I'm doing my best.

How freaking beautiful is that?

And Eli... after I yell at him for taking his diaper off and shitting on the floor (or the bed, or ME) for the 20th time.. for dumping out a whole bag of chips that I just bought.. for breaking my favorite vase.. whatever... he can still come up to me, give me a kiss and say "luh you mama". And he knows I Luh Him Too.

And as long as I have that, how can I be ungrateful? how can I not keep waking up and taking one step at a time, sometimes one breath at a time, if that's all I can do...? I've been given so much. And to whom much is given, much is expected.

My heart is full. I am lucky.
I am often sad, disappointed, angry, bitter, exhausted..
but I am lucky. And deep down .. I am HAPPY. Because we were born to be happy. My children show me that every day, that our natural state as humans is happiness. We are born happy. We are born to play, to find wonder and beauty in all things. We are born to accept everyone as they are. We are born without concepts of ugly, different, stupid, selfish, or mean. We are made of Gratitude and Amazement. Pure love. We, as damaged adults, just have to dig down deep, beyond the dirt that's piled up on our complete, whole, unbroken and undamaged hearts, and remember how to be exactly what we are.

To My Babies:

You're my life's one miracle
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this 'til you

You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
Though the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more

The nearest thing to heaven
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love

When you smile AT me I cry
And to save your life I'd die
With a romance that is pure in heart
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires
I live for your desires
Forget my own, your needs will come before
Who could ever love you more

There is nothing you could ever do
To make me stop loving you
And every breath I take
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams
And know for sure
Who could ever love you more?

Leave Out All The Rest

3 years ago, my brother left this world. I didn't know til the next morning... but that night, I also was told by the love of my life (for the first of many times) that he did not love me or want to be with me. That was the beginningof a downhill slide that I have barely been able to even.. pause... ever.... my god.

That was after miscarrying a baby, being kicked out of my home onto the streets by my "best friend"... and many other traumatic experiences.
The 3rd and final piece of my soul group.....
But I've felt him here. He's been here, watching over us.

What I haven't told a lot of people is that I was going to join him, today. I hadn't decided for or against it for sure ... but life takes over, doesn't it? And my kids took priority.
My kids need me. Their useless, barely present, messed up, vertigo-plagued, seizing mother.. they need me.
So I'm here.

But when MY time comes.. forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reason to be missed. Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory... leave out all the rest.

Leave out all the rest.

Happy Birthday to my Gorgeous Fairy Girl

Thank you for changing my life, into something more beautiful and meaningful than it ever could have been without you.



You amaze me more every day with your wisdom (Sophia means wisdom.. did I know that you would be or did someone wiser know?) and strength and the light that you carry with you.



I am blessed forever because of you. You have taught me more than I will ever teach you and you save me every day.

The day you were born is the day I was born again.




wrap myself around you
softly, whispering
that i am here
(although i'm sure you know)

and i am only reassuring myself.

You drift off so peacefully
and I rest my fingers
on your chest
and feel the rise and fall
that is breath I gave to you

you wrap your finger around mine
softly, sighing
and i know that you are here

and do you know
that you are the one who
brought me to life?

one breath at a time

and sometimes, that even feels impossible.

So much for an inspirational blog, eh?

I am single, again. Leaving me sure that there are simply no men out there that can love me for me. None that can rise to my level, understand who I am..
And while that's painful, everything else is equally, if not MORE painful right now.

Relationship issues, I can deal with. It's par for course.

Car accidents.. neck pain beyond belief.. feeling like my head is in a vice and disconnected from my body at the same time.. seizures.. forgetfulness.. uncontrollably crying.. inability to form full, coherent sentences. That, I don't know how to deal with.

No answers on the seizures except "take your alprazolam".
No answers on the insurance claim yet.
Out $700 so far today on rental car + other necessaries. Had to cancel job interview because I couldn't speak without sobbing.

Eli won't sleep.. it's 2:30 am. I can barely keep my eyes open, but they seem to be able to keep on fucking crying. Traitors.

I spent my whole life planning for, hoping for, daydreaming about a life that I never learned how to create. I did it all wrong, with only 2 good things to show for my misguided efforts.

I don't even want to be a part of my life, most days. Why should anyone else?.... And the things that make me happy, that keep me going, are so personal to who I am.. to being a mother, to loving my children the way that only a mother can .. that nobody else ever WILL be able to step into that and love it and find happiness there, too.

Oh, and I locked myself out of my house for the 6th time in about 8 days. Again.

I feel crippled and blocked on my spiritual path. I feel like the talents I thought I had are a farce. I ask for assistance and receive none.. I ask for guidance and there is silence. I cannot meditate.. I cannot find peace. I never have a moment for myself.



Just for today, I give up.

The past 48 hrs

Crash



Totaled.



Lotsa stress, tears, blah.

Decided I needed this:



and I really love spring



and Eli loves my makeup (can you see the scrape on his neck? Sniffle)



Sophia had to have a heart too



Went to this. Bad choice... not right without 'lijah



Now Imma have me some of this --



goodnight.......

everything and.. stuff.

won't know what to title this post til I'm done writing it
It won't be insightful or.. completely off the radar, like my last one. I think it only resonated with me, amusing.

This is basically just a.. "here's what's up" post so that everyone knows without me having to repeat myself, but it may be all OVER the radar, with everything that's going on.

To start off, I know. You're all wondering, what's with the love life?
Well, suddenly, when I had decided that I wanted nothing to do with anyone at all, except to focus on loving myself and cultivating REAL friendships with GENUINE people, I fell in love with this wonderful boy that was dropped into my lap. Out of nowhere.

I drove through snowmageddon one night to see him after he had a particularly depressing surgical consult, and also because.. well, you can talk to someone online, you can hear their voice, you can know every aspect of your personality fits like a glove, but you CAN'T know.. you can't KNOW.. until you see them and hold them in your arms. And I had to freaking know.
So I went, and stayed longer than intended. And spent a lot of time being offered the life I've always dreamed of, and not being sure how to handle it.

It's like .. I assume (since I've never been on heavy drugs) it's like the difference between a crack addict and a drug-free person. When you take something that's bad for you, but induces this HUGE high that feels SO fucking amazing for a little while.. the ups are hard to forget about. And almost impossible to leave behind. Despite the lows that follow, that almost or sometimes DO kill you. Emotionally, or even physically.

But when something is good, healthy, stable.. When you are getting and giving equally, when you are loving without taking and being loved without your energy being sucked from you constantly. When you aren't being criticized for who you are, rather, loved for every flaw AND perfection..
It's this slow, calm kind of peace. And it feels really great, in a way that doesn't always make you want to dance around the room or shout it from the rooftops (oh, but sometimes it DOES)... And you never would realize how great it is until it was gone... because it's not false, it's not unnatural, and it's.... infinite.


And barring any emergencies He will be down here this weekend. Thank the universe.




That's all I'm going to say about that right now.

As for me, myself and I... I've been having mini seizures, my stress management is even further down the toilet than usual (no pun intended), my house is a mess. I can't talk straight (Ever heard the term 'word salad'? This has been happening periodically). My $7K tax return is rapidly disappearing on things I never wanted to spend it on. I can't focus, my short term memory gets worse by the minute, and I've been getting VERY localized migraines.
I suppose it's time to see a doctor,but frankly, I know deep down they will tell me there is NOTHING wrong with me. They may put me on some kind of anti-seizure medication which will have other unsavory side effects that might be worse than what I'm dealing with now. I've got to put my car in the shop this weekend for at least 5 different ailments. The repairs are probably going to cost more than the worth of the car, but I don't have much other choice at this point.

My spiritual healing/education seems to be completely on hold. Half of my own volition -- I feel so inadequate. I try to do treatments and I... don't know. Have never had any report of real results.
And half because I just cannot focus. I try to meditate, to ground myself, to find some little tiny, miniscule center of peace deep within me. And I cannot. I did, when I was with Nicky. For a moment. Or in those seconds before sleep when I hear my children breathing peacefully next to me and I can stop beating myself up for all the ways I was a bad mother that day. When I can push away the anger I feel toward their "fathers" for the way they think that their responsibilities are optional,whereas mine will never be. And if I ever CHOSE to walk away from them, it would kill me.
If I could ever just say "hm, I can't take care of my kids between the hours of ___ and ___ because I have other things going on"... ha. What a joke that would be. I would not be their mother, I'd be their babysitter. That is all Eli's father is. Sophia's is no more than a sperm donor.

I have this book called "Anger" that I really need to read. But to find the time.. Time, where do you go, anyway?

The Dream, The Burden, the Thunderbolt...

Did myself a little reading tonight.. I don't even dare tune into anyone else's energy right now.
I found it quite amusing. First time I laughed much today...

Past/Leading Into Situation: (The Dream)

"Some enchanted evening you're going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong. This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and 'at one' with our mothers; it's no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it's amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. nobody, whether it's your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us."


This has been said again and again, down through the ages. All the religious people have been saying this: "We come alone into this world, we go alone." All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone, and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship...
That's why we become so much involved in love. Try to see the point. Ordinarily you think you have fallen in love with a woman or with a man beccause s/he is beautiful. That is not the truth. The truth is just the opposite: you have fallen in love because you cannot be alone. You were going to fall. You were going to avoid yourself somehow or other.

If you watch man, if you watch yourself deeply, you will be surprised - all your activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is that you are afraid of your aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that you find yourself very alone.

The Present: (The Burden)

A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming. The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot become your soul. There is o way to make the nonessential the essential. The nonessential remains nonessential and the essential remains the essential, they are not convertible.

And striving towards truth is nothing but creating more confusion.

The truth has not to be achieved. It cannot be achieved, it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped.

O ALL aims and ends and ideals and goals and ideologies, RELIGIONS and systems of improvement and betterment, are lies. Beware of them. Recognize the fact that, as you are, you are a lie. Manipulated, cultivated by others. Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement. It is the lie's way to hide. See the lie, look deep into the lie of your personality. Because to see the lie is to cease to lie. No longer to lie is to seek no more for any truth - there is no need. The moment the lie disappears, truth is there in all its beauty and radiance. In seeing of the lie it disappears, and what is left is.. the truth.

(the lie, my search for truth, is my burden?)

The Future/Outcome - Thunderbolt!

"The card shows a tower being burned, destroyed, blown apart. A man and a woman are leaping from it not because they want to, but because they have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing consciousness. You might be feeling pretty shaky right now (um, seizures?!)
as if hte earth is rocking beneath your feet. Your sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever you can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if you allow it, you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experienes. After the fire, the earth is replenished; after the storm the air is clear. Try to watch the destruction with detachment, almost as if it were happening to someone else. Say yes to the process by meeting it halfway."

What meditation does slowly, slowly, a good shotu of the master, unexpectedly, in the situation where the disciple was asking some question, and the master jumps and shouts, or hits him, or throws him out of the door, or jumps over him..... these methods were never known. It was purely the very creative genius of Ma Tzu, and he made many people enlightened. Sometimes it looks so hilarious: he threw a man from the window, from a two-story house, and the man had to come to ask on what to meditate. And Ma Tzu not only threw him, he jumped after him, fell on him, sat on his chest, and he said, "got it?!"
And the poor fellow said, "Yes" - because if you say "No," he may beat you or do something else. It is enough - his body is fractured, and Ma Tzu, sitting on hsi chest, says, "GOT IT?!"
And in fact, he got it, because it was so sudden, out of the blue -- he could never have conceived it.



it is enough...