Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Me, Authentically (Yesterday, pt II)

Yesterday, early morning, I was tired and grumpy, sitting in a canyon in the middle of nowhere, hoping I wouldn't step on a rattlesnake or something, and I saw this dog, laying in the spring water, just happy to be alive and able to play.

I (unlike me) actually vocalized that I wish I could be a dog, at that moment. LOL. I wished I could have no shame and just go jump in the damn muddy water if I felt like it, playing and jumping around.

Ironically, one of the intentions that came up yesterday was play. It wasn't an intention I set aloud for myself, but I did in my head. And by the end of the day I was more muddy, wet, dirty, and probably even happier than the dog. Albeit sunburned, dammit. :)

my makeup was gone, my hair was dirty and I had my sweater soaked in stream water, draped over my head so I wouldn't get any FURTHER sunburned or heat-exhausted.

And then someone told me I looked like a beautiful fairy.

and I could actually just smile and accept that instead of thinking of all the reasons I probably wasn't beautiful right then. I laughed so hard my face and stomach hurt.. I cried so hard my body wouldn't stop shaking. I watched butterflies and sparrows and dragonflies play and didn't worry what time it was or if my phone was ringing.
I said whatever I felt like saying... I smiled without worrying what my teeth looked like.

And less than 24 hrs later I'm sitting here scared of whether or not anybody could like ME, who I REALLY am, and not the person that I've been hiding behind. A total statue, really, which couldn't possible be very loveable anyway, but I'm still scared to have fun, and laugh hard, and play hard, and look ridiculous.

And I felt more loved yesterday than .. you know, since the last women's circle. ;-)
So, I need to work on that shiz.

From now on, I'm going to try harder to be very authentically me.
I'm not ready to stop wearing makeup or anything but.. ya know. :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How Powerful Are We?


That's what I'm learning.

Yeah, I've been trying to walk the line between medicine and vodka, and doing an okay job of it. I never puked.

I've been hoping I'd never go back to being an imperfect human after ceremony.
But the truth is that I'm just starting this journey and I'm just starting to love it. I still balk at the idea of going, every time. But if they have enough faith in me to show up for me I'm damn well going to show up for me too.

As I was sitting in a really dirty stinky truck (that I grew to love, haa) at about 4 am this morning, with a total stranger man driving us into the middle of absolute nowhereville (which by the way, happens to generally be heaven), I was thinking, "how the freak do I get myself into these situations?"

Like, I called my mom crying because I needed money to go see my therapist in Cedar City, and instead I end up going to another ceremony that 2 medicine women drove 300+ miles to do. For ME. Because I "called it"?

'scuse me? I didn't want to stay up all night and go get dirty and sunburnt and drink stuff that makes me feel like I'm going to puke.

Oh wait, I guess I do, because I'm powerful enough that I MADE that happen. And I made the two prior ceremonies happen. And I brought back the women's ceremony.
And a lot of other women did too, and you know what? Our perfect intentions brought the perfect people together at the perfect times.

Over the short course of my journey thus far I have met some seriously amazing, strong and PERFECT women who all, down deep, don't even know how to love themselves. WE all can see the amazing in all those other women but we can't accept it when it comes to hearing it ourselves. Weird how we choose into that.

Meh, I'm going on a tangent that I can't really finish coherently.
But back the Perfect People, Perfect Time.

The two other women who came to ceremony today were....

The older sister of twin girls who lived with my family for a while when I was young (I still remember then VERY fondly, so fondly that when I saw this woman I got insanely happy even though she wasn't one of them).. and...

The nurse who played a huge part in saving me and Sophia from having an unnecessary C-section at her birth.
i've wanted to find that woman for YEARS. SEVEN YEARS. And just give her a hug.

And I'm so damn powerful that I got her to that ceremony so i could. I didn't know I was doing it, but I did.

They also were the perfect mirrors and teachers for me in my life on THIS DAY for me to see a lot of things I needed to heal.
There's even one that I see all the time at ceremony that I can't STAND, and ya know why? Cause I see the me that I HATE, in her.

Damn.. we're cool human beings.
I mean really... I'm done talking tonight, I'm just going to sit here in awe. Of ME.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

"With Grace and Ease..."

So. Time to start working on this blog, here. I've got a lot to say, and feel like I still haven't wrapped my brain around it enough to really convey it properly.

I went to a women's ceremony (native american medicine circle.. thing.. I don't really know the proper name for it) up north on Tuesday. The day or two before that I was really falling back into my stress and depression again.. still not to the degree that I did before, and I doubt I EVER will to that degree again, because once you've seen "the light" (don't laugh) it's hard to deny it. It would be going against everything I know now to allow myself to fall into that pit.

First of all -- women are AMAZING. we females really need to start to feel and form more of a sense of community and equality with each other. I'm so tired of the competition, back stabbing, etc... this came up in the circle too, that it's so hard to feel comraderie with women these days because it's all a competition, because of our own insecurities.
Let me tell you, in that teepee? Everyone's an equal. The 23 yr old who's never been on her own. The drug addict, the survivor of heinous crimes and witness to horrific pain. Everyone. College girls, motel managers, medicine women.. we're all THE SAME. Some of us are a few ceremonies ahead of each other, but we're all stumbling along on the same path. We've all felt the same pain. In there, masks are off, truth is out, and it's.. purely magic, to be on equal ground. To give and receive absolute love and support from someone who may have been a stranger 5 minutes before.
To hear stories that humble you, that mirror you, that cause you to look into your own soul and see both the things you need to really look at and evaluate, and the things that you should allow to absolutely shine.

What I learned from this? It's hard, so hard to put into words. But I can say that it's .. humbled me. To a place of absolute gratitude for my life, for those who love me in their own stumbling, wonderful ways. For those who have HURT me.. yes, I mean that. For everyone who has played their part in my life exactly the way that I was asking them to through my actions and intentions at the time, to teach me the lessons I had to learn.
I'm honored that my children chose me to be their mother, despite my many flaws... I'm in so much love with the beauty that they are.

I want to stop saying the word "learn" because the fact is that it's really, we have just spent our whole lives burying the truth. With things other people project onto us, say to us... we take all of that on and turn into someone that we maybe never intended to at all. We believe those things, and become them.
It is, perhaps, that we need to UN-learn all the UN-truths that we have come to believe, and that is where we find the truth. Within ourselves. It's already there.

In the words of Osho, "You become that which you think you are. Or, it is not that you become it, but that the idea gets very deeply rooted - and that's what all conditioning is."

As one of the beautiful women there pointed out, why the HELL have we all allowed someone (or many someones) to shape us? Why do we never realize, why aren't we TAUGHT that we can choose exactly who we want to be, what we want to draw into our lives, and how to respond to the lessons that we are blessed with? Why are we so obsessed with 20 years ago, when someone told us we were stupid, or not good enough, or not pretty enough... or a year ago, when someone said I was too messy... or 5 years ago, when someone said I wasn't pretty without makeup.. or WHATEVER. WHY?! It's NOT MY BUSINESS what anyone else thinks of me. It's their business. My business is what I think of me, and what I want to be.

It's sooo incredibly important (and incredible, when I achieve it) to live in the PRESENT, to be my authentic self and to love ME. To stop looking back on the past and mourning it, obsessing over it, letting it be who I am? TODAY is all there really is. And it's so simple. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet. If the last 23 years of my life wasn't what I wanted it to be.. if I wasn't who I wanted to be.. if I fucked things up and I hate who I was, then I can choose to change who I've been, and do things different from this moment on. I can't change anyone else thinks or says, but I can be better, and know that which I am, and honor myself. I am beautiful, I am powerful, and despite my own stumbling, I'm VERY much a valuable person and spirit in this world. I can help people tremendously with gifts I've been blessed with. I have two children who bless me daily. I can be better, do more, learn more, and draw more that I desire into my life every moment.

I must admit that stepping back into the real world after an experience like that is a little bit of a let-down. You remember.. people backstab, people judge.. people are insecure and struggling themselves, and that comes out in ways that hurts everyone involved. But we're all in different places on our journeys, and I have to respect that and try to remember.. it's not my business what they think of me. I can call on those beautiful hours I spent in a tent full of many very different spirits who all came together in understanding, love, and pure non-judgment and try to create that atmosphere in my own family, first, and the rest of my life as well.
"Life just keeps on Life-ing", as someone so aptly spoke. It is only us who can change the way we live it....

With grace, and ease. Aho.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Walking Through Hell

I have heard.. if you're walking through hell... keep going.
For years I have kept trying to turn around, change it, go around it... but the fact is, I will never see the other side if I don't keep walking through my hell.

I tried, a few times before, to find the strength to do this.
The universe has nudged me, hit me, knocked me over the head, and finally just decided I needed a brick wall to fall on me. I get it, ok?

It's been a fog of the worst sadness, hopelessness, and just ACHING to end this life.. for days and days.. I've lost track of time, of what's important.. of myself.

Fortunately, I have good friends and family who are watching over me, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing this.
Fortunately, my whole life has been leading up to this point, and it's time for a death and a real re-birth of my Self and my path.
Fortunately, I went through all of that, and it broke me, it scarred me, it shattered me....
But I am a force, an energy that can't be extinguished, and I'm getting back up, and I'm moving on.

I spent some time with a native american medicine woman who has been a long-time family friend, all day on Monday.

I came home Monday and my head felt clearer.. I couldn't wait to see my children, to hug them and feel their light. And finally they felt like joy instead of weight. Yes, they've always been my reason and my happiness, but something is different now. Before, I was not dying, for them. Now, I'm living for them. And me.

I still cry every day. I miss him like crazy, more than I thought I could miss a human being. But it's time to move on, and keep moving. It's time to fill the hole in my heart by myself. Every thing my life is today is a product of choices I've made, leading up to this point. It's time to choose to love myself and it's time to choose to make that enough, as hard as that may be.

"Children are the anchors that hold mothers to life." - Sophocles