Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The inevitable unknown

I haven't been posting much lately. I've posted some poetry on my facebook notes... most of it pretty depressing. But 95% of the time, the only time I write good poetry is when I'm heartbroken, so, there ya go.

I feel like I'm in limbo lately, but today I realized that even in limbo, the universe and I are somehow working together to make things happen.

I can't even describe where I am at right now as "Depression" although I do cry, frequently. I get frustrated, I want to scream, I want to tear my hair out... I think I won't survive another day without transportation and choices and my own space.
There are many things I am frustrated about. SO many.

But time goes by very reliably, no matter how slowly or quickly we think it's going to. And we find ourselves looking back at the time when we said "I can't make it that long, I just can't."

As of today, I have exactly 1 month until I can get my driver's license back.
I only have to make it one more month before I can do the things I like to do again.

And while i've been sitting mourning the loss of my entire life, my life has actually been going on, and even growing, right in front of my blind eyes.

I got a job, practically overnight, at a place that I felt was very beneath me. As far as skill level? It is. I can do so much more. But does that mean it's beneath me? Is it so wrong for anyone to learn what it's like to do hard but mundane manual labor for a not-so-great wage... to REALLY work for a living? To be exhausted and overwhelmed, but get a paycheck at the end of the week and be able to feed your kids.....
I have learned to be grateful. Because there are people who wish they had my job, even as I'm wishing I didn't.

And now, I have two jobs. One that I feel completely UNDER qualified for. Life is funny. I mean, it's really funny. The universe, if it has some kind of personality (which it must) is probably laughing it's ass off at me right now.
I'm going to be an accountant for a trucking company. I started training today, and the guy that has been doing it stared at me blankly like I was a f***ing idiot when I couldn't pull  the solution for 6% of $1800 out of my ass in 0.5 seconds. I'm a smart girl, and I aced every math class I ever took. But I'm not good with percentages unless they're .. you know, 10, 20, 50.. 100... LOL.
That's what calculators are for.
Well, this guy looks down on me cause I have to use a calculator. Oh well.

The thing is.. I'm learning to be humble. In two very different ways. And I'm learning to be grateful. Because one job has taught me that I am not superior to any other human being who works in a factory just because I have musical talents or a high IQ or a pretty face (well, pretty when I paint it).
And the other job is teaching me that I have a lot to learn... but I can do it. I can get to a place in life... I have a doorway... to a place where I will be able to get a good-paying job that will support my family. Without having to go through years of school, I will have this on my resume. I don't even "Deserve" this job, but it's being handed to me on a silver platter.
Sometimes, the universe DOES do me favors. Sometimes.
Maybe, if I'm being honest... it's constantly in the process of doing me a big freaking favor.

If I forget that again, someone please direct me back to this post.
If I hadn't gotten in that car accident, if I hadn't gotten the DUI, if I hadn't lost EVERYTHING and had to move back in with my parents and even become a bad mom for a while.... I may never have even met the people giving me this awesome job.
I got to spend a lot of time getting to know my kids again, finding out what it's like to be a stay at home mom again, learning to jump on the bed with my 2 yr old and read stories to my 6 yr old.
I found out that your parents never stop being your parents, even when you're almost 30 yrs old. That good parents like mine are there for you even when you act like you hate them for it.
That my mom will never stop holding me when I cry, even if she doesn't have any answers... Nothing's better than a hug from your mom when you feel hopeless.
And THAT reminded me that if I, at 27 yrs old, still need my mom, even if i've been pushing my parents away for 10+ years.... my babies will need me many years from now, too.
I needed to learn that, somehow.

While I've been mourning my past life and freedom, someone or something or some energy has NEVER stopped planning for me, opening doors for me, paving paths for me to become someone better and stronger... to have a better life.
Why? I don't know.
But I'm glad.

I have no idea where I'm going to be a year from now, but for once, even though this year was terrible, horrible, scary, emotional, lonely, and full of loss.... I am grateful because every piece has formed a picture that is starting to make a little bit of sense.

And in just the next month I am facing my love moving literally across the world for an entire year. Without any promises made.
I'm scared, but for the first time, a little bit of me can trust that even if it's not necessarily the picture I had in mind (although it might BE)..... some kind of beautiful picture will come about. Again. From every experience.
I've no doubt that he and I will love each other for the rest of our lives. I don't know if we'll be together. Clearly, sometimes we will be apart.

But I'm taking the moments. The moments with the kids when I feel connected again. When I feel loved and needed. When I find myself doing "good mom" things that I didn't feel capable of.
The moments when I feel loved by the man I love, even if it's not my perfect picture right now.
the moments when I see people truly trying to help me and be there for me in my hour of need.

It's all kind of beautiful. You just have to wait and see.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Purely rambling...

I feel like I need to start doing those writing exercises where you just write/type everything that pops into your head for an allotted amount of time.

I've never felt so.. emptied of words, but full of SOMETHING that I have to get out.

Ha, ha, I know there are people out there with messed up minds like me that are going to laugh at that. But seriously.

I've been thinking a lot about the similarities and differences between ME... and between my life now, and my life a year ago.

A year ago, I probably weighed about 13 lbs less. Yup, that's right. And I kind of was enjoying it, even though it was extraordinarily unhealthy. I was unhappy, drinking heavily, and not eating. I had bleeding intestinal ulcers that I left untreated and that was when I started taking massive doses of my benzodiazapenes and narcotic painkillers .. you know, to kill the "pain" (mainly the emotional pain). Smart of me.

I planned out my own death, to be carried out on New Years Eve...
I also began a spiritual journey that has changed my life. It has been difficult, in many ways, and in the beginning, I thought that my first "epiphany" would fix everything. That I'd finally be happy and attract all the things I wanted into my life, magically...

Like most journeys, it's been a lot longer than I expected. With more speed-bumps.
And clearly, I didn't die on New Years Eve. I spent it with the man I loved, which is exactly what I wanted to do.
And probably a week later, we got in a fight and didn't speak again for several weeks (not that this is an anomaly in our relationship).

A year ago, many people walked out of my life. It was the beginning of something like a mass exodus.. people realizing that they couldn't fix me, they couldn't even make me feel better. I had made up my mind.
A select few stayed. Like those who sit at the bed of a hopelessly comatose patient, holding their hand, speaking words that may or may not be heard, and just waiting. Knowing the end could come, but staying anyway.

Those few people, I have developed such an immense love and respect for, I couldn't possibly put it into words.

The rest, I don't blame. Some have come back into my life. Others have shut and locked the door to revisiting friendship.

For a moment, during this period of time, I found a profound sense of childlike joy, in the discovery and acceptance of a spiritual path that has probably been calling to me for years.
From mid-November til shortly after New Years, I was quite happy, despite many losses in my life. I had hope for the year to come. Things weren't perfect, not by any means, but... I saw the man I love frequently, I had my own place for Christmas, I decorated it with the kids.. I found a new sense of direction and hope.

When Dan and I "split up" again, it hit me hard, as it always does, but I managed to get on with life, as I always do. I got my tax return and planned many things.. to re-do the floor in my living room, to take Sophia to disneyland for her birthday, finally... to take a vacation on my own.

Then, in March, my car got totalled. Cue me, slowly but surely falling into a pit of depression. I had no job, no transportation.. was stuck at home almost constantly with two children.. Eli was, as always, a huge challenge, and I was very lonely. Dan came back into my life, but in the enigmatic, flighty way that he does at times when he's even further from "sure" than normal.
In May, I lost it completely. Dan vacated, and for good reason, but not without leaving some scars that will always be .. present.

I waited, I made phone calls, I pushed for a settlement on my car. I needed a car, and then things would be ok. I overdosed a couple times. I found it hard to breathe, to move, to be awake or to be asleep. I just wanted it to be over. I was alone. I couldn't even perform the one job that meant anything to me in this world -- being my kids' mom.

When I finally got my settlement (in June), 2 weeks later, the 2nd week of July, I set off for California with Sophia, to take the trip I'd promised her for 3 long years. Disneyland, and a chance to get to know her "Dad" a little bit.

truth? It was hell for me. She had a great time, and I'm glad we did it.

And I came back to an email from Dan. a simple, one-sentence email that silently gave the invitation to revisit.. whatever we were. To be friends again. That said.. "I still care."

I had a month of ... happy. I went to American Idol auditions, and auditions for The Voice. Didn't get anywhere with either, which was depressing. And then ... other things transpired... bad luck after bad choice after bad luck ... I managed to get a DUI when I wasn't even drunk. I managed to get Dan in trouble at work while trying to keep things from blowing up. I managed to get EVERYTHING taken away from me. Everything except my children, and as it has been, I've barely been hanging onto them. Hanging on for dear life.. selfishly.. they are all I have had to hold onto.

And I look back on a year ago when I really had... the world in my hands. And I wasn't grateful. I wanted to end my life. I was impatient, petulant, childish.
And I think.. had I been more grateful, would things be different now?

and as I sit with my second drink of the night in hand... having been sleeping on my parents' floor for 3 months now... having taken my allotment of pills for the night... wishing that pure oblivion could BE an option, I wonder...

if I were more grateful NOW.... what could change? Could I avoid falling deeper into this pit?
What if I said... yes, tomorrow I start a job in a factory line, which sounds primitive to me. I'll be working 13 hr swing shifts.
Yes, I still have no car and no driver's license.
Yes, the man I love is now living 7 hours away, and soon will be living a world away.

But do I have the world in my hands?
Didn't I have the world in my hands earlier tonight, when I held my 2 yr old's hand and jumped on the bed? I don't remember the last time I jumped on the bed.... but his laughter is addictive. His happiness... contagious.
Didn't I have the world in my hands when my daughter hugged me for no reason and said she loved me? (which is a rarity in her "grown up" 6 yr old world.)

By being grateful, I can't get my license back. I can't get a better job, yet. I can't make someone decide to make a commitment to me that would ease the ache in my heart that never quite lets up.

Technically, all it would change is how I view things....
And perhaps that's all that really matters, in the end. Because if I could go back to a year ago, knowing what I know now, I'd be deliriously happy.
I didn't know anything then.
Perhaps I know nothing know.
I just don't want to look back in a year and say "god, I wish I had been grateful then, for what I had."

Friday, September 30, 2011

I Hate Loving, Dammit.


I know this is unhealthy and uninspiring, but I've got to get it out.

What is WRONG with me?

What girl in their right mind wouldn't fall at the feet of a man who offers her every FREAKIN THING she's ever asked for or wished for silently.. who accepts the baggage and even loves it.. who worships things I hate about myself?
What's wrong with me?
Why I am I so dead set on loving someone BACK, on worshiping them back?

I have to sadly admit that honestly.. loving someone is way better than being loved. And while I love being loved... the few times I have truly felt that way, for a moment.. I love loving even more. A lot more.

And It Is Necessary.
It is an absolute must.
I can't be with someone that I don't feel completely unreasonable adoration for. I can't be with someone that I love if I'm not head-over-heels-stupid-in-love with them.

As I'm sitting here contemplating how much easier my life could get if I could just get over this stupid obsession with loving someone, I'm really mad.
I was telling a friend the other night that THIS is one of the prime reasons I became atheist. And it's true. I CANNOT believe in a "god" that has any control over anything that would allow this bullshit.
Falling in love with people who don't give a crap about you... Other people falling in love with you and you loving them for it but not falling IN love with them... heartbreak, all over the fuckin place. It's not cool, man! IF YOU'RE UP THERE, DO YOU HEAR ME?

nah, you never have..
but really.

It's inane.
I've wasted 4 years of my life holding my heart out to a man... holding it out, dripping blood and guts and tears and willing to DIE for the chance to see him take it and appreciate all the times it's beat for him. All the times it's skipped a beat a two. All the times I've wished it'd stop altogether, and all the times I've listened to his heart and willed mine into beating exactly in time.

It's fucking inane.

That, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" stuff? B.S.!!! I call B.S.
It is better not to know what that kind of love feels like..
and to just settle happily into something peaceful, easy, and ... without passion. Without angst. Without tears. Without sleepless nights where I look myself in the eye in the mirror at 5 am and don't recognize my own face from all the crying and begging and pleading with... air. Nothing. Empty space.

I deserve not to fucking know the kind of joy I've known because I deserve not to have to feel this pain.
I shouldn't have to inflict it on someone else either. Someone that I truly love. Deeply. Someone who feels a little more like "home" every day, because he takes care of me... Because he's amazing. I love him. He deserves for me to give him my all, and I CAN'T right now (nor do I know if I will ever)!!!! And it makes me crazy.

"deserve".. what a stupid word. I know that.
But tonight I'm being stupid. And I deserve for the man that I've given my all, my best, and my everything to, to give me something big in return.
I can't say I'm not holding out for it, even as I'm giving up hope. I let him go a little more every day, but at the oddest and most inopportune moments, I find a stubborn strand of my heart hanging on for dear life.. or death.. whatever the case may be.
it's hanging on, and I can't cut it loose.

Lord have I tried. I have done my best. I have failed.

So this begs the question --
do I buckle down and accept the love from someone I can't love equally, because.. it would be so GOOD for my kids to have that stability (every kind of stability).. it would probably be good for me, to be treated well. To know what it's like to be seen as someone amazing, not just a piece of amazing .. uh.. something... (ha...) It would be good for me to not be stressed to the point of staying in bed, crying until 4 or 5 pm many days, only jumping out of bed to avert the worst disasters my 2 yr old can conjure up.

Or.... do I stop being such a fucking pussy, figure out a way (though I have tried, SO FUCKING GODDAMN HARD) to do this on my own, and just accept that I will never have that little piece of heaven? Or... hope that someday I'll get over it. forget it.. and find that heaven somewhere else? in the arms of someone who truly deserves ME?

I want to see life as beautiful, and many days, I do.
But tonight, it is uglified in all it's fucking glory. I want to punch it in the face.

there, I said it. I'm an immature 13 yr old in a 27 yr old's body with a mom haircut.
It's not fair.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I can do anything for...

It's hard to know what to write when you haven't written for so long.

You'd think I'd be busting at the seams with anecdotes or inspiration or.. something. But Life has left me feeling pretty empty, lately.

However, I was pretty determined to write a blog tonight. It's better than writing another stupid email, or a million facebook status updates.

I've been thinking about how I really wish I was one of those super-witty blog writers like EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW .. I probably could be... I AM the girl who joked her way through the most painful labor/childbirth in the known history of the world. seriously. I was asking for a gun to shoot myself and cracking jokes in between contractions.
But. I'm not feeling witty lately, not at all. And while I'm still cracking jokes in between disasters and nervous breakdowns, I don't have a lot to say that I feel anyone could benefit from. Laugh at. Cry with. Anything.

While I was sitting here thinking about what I could possibly write that would tie any of what's going on in my life into a blog post, the stuff about labor and childbirth and shooting myself and my life right now and yoga (yeah, yoga) all brought it together for me.

I can do anything 10 times. (Sit-ups in yoga). I can do anything for 5 minutes (horrifically intense contractions + pushing a watermelon sized item through a pea-sized hole). I can do anything for one day (put aside my own misery, drama, loathing of my situation, and desire to RUN AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS.. for my kids).

I can do anything.
I don't really want to admit that because if life piles anything more on top of what I'm already doing, I'm ... not going to take it very well. I will cry and hit things and smoke a cigarette and protest and say "I WILL NOT, CANNOT do this. I'm done. I give up. I quit."
and then I'll fuckin do it, because I can do anything for 5 minutes, 10 times, a day, a week...

four months..?

I can miss my brother for 3 and a half years and will miss him every day until we get to meet on the same "plane" again.
I can be lonely for a whole day. Every day. For the rest of my life, if I have to. Even if it's until I'm 80. I did it today, so I can do it tomorrow.

I can live where I have to live even if I really don't like it, and give up control of my life, and sleep on the floor and listen to underhanded comments whispered about my parenting and my bad life skills and try to make ends meet and play with my kids when I'd rather be sleeping. I can do that until I find a way to fix it.

I can miss the man I love the most in this world for four months, not knowing what will happen after those four months, because I did it today, yesterday, and for the past month, and I will do it tomorrow too. And I might do it for the rest of my life.

But I can do anything.

I can pull my daughter out of the charter school that I pushed so hard to get her into and homeschool her because I'm being taught another lesson about never saying never. I never was going to homeschool my kids, especially not my social butterfly. But this is what she needs. And I can do anything.

And if I can do anything, I can eventually get back into my own place, be my kids' mom, get my license back, work 2 jobs. I can record a demo CD, I can make money off of playing for weddings and events, I can pound the pavement until someone notices me. I can do it forever. I can find a career that supports my family, and I can push aside my disabilities and make it work. One day at a time.
Cause I can do anything for a day.

I can do anything.
Fuck, that really sucks to admit. ;)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Really Big Love

It's about taking your daughter to Disneyland and letting it be about her, and about her and her dad (no matter how much it hurt me), and about her and her sister.. and not about me.

It's about doing what I have to do to stay healthy, even if it doesn't make me look like the "perfect" I'd like to be. That's a really big love, for me, and for my kids.

It's about letting yourself fall again, for the hundredth time, even though nothing is certain and little is likely, because some love is so big that you don't get to go around or get over it.. you just get in and go through it, and sometimes there's no end, because love is an infinite thing. Infinite, but ever-changing, and when you can change and evolve and still love someone bigger every day as they change and evolve too...

Regardless of what happens on the journey, that's a beautiful thing.

My love is huge-mongous. For my kids, for my friends, for HIM, and .. for me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Briefly (maybe..), about Blindness, "Justice", and Healing..

All this talk about the Casey Anthony trial has me sitting at the computer in a bit of awe over how passionate people are about "bringing people to justice" for their crimes.

I understand the reason and place for putting someone away in prison, that they may not cause more harm than already done.

I do not understand this eye-for-an-eye concept. "An eye for an eye makes the world go blind", does it not? Thank you Gandhi.

I don't necessarily believe in A God. I'm agnostic. I believe in god-like, and goddess-like ascended beings. I think there are lots of those. I KNOW that when we pass on after this life we go on to a place where we are welcomed with loving arms, and helped to heal any wounds we may have left over. I know that we get a lot of really cool retrospection, which as we all know, is a superior teacher.
Best of all, we get peace. Unless we didn't learn the lessons we needed to learn. And then we get to try again.
So, all of that is pretty cool, I think.

And for a kid who was murdered by her mother (saying she was -- I don't know, and have no opinion on it) or anyone else... the kid is absolutely innocent. Even the worst of criminals are only held down in their own hells by their OWN guilt and their OWN inability to take the lesson, learn from it, and yes, "atone", in our own ways. Nobody does it to us. We do it. We have to. You can kill a murderer, but it won't make them a better person, and it wont' change what happened. And guess what? it won't create justice, either. It just creates more violence, bad energy. Pain.

(if you read WAAAAY back in the beginning of my blog, I talk about a past life regression in which I got to forgive a father from another life for his crimes against me... trust me, he was in hell all this time, and I wasn't. And it was a beautiful thing to help set him free from that.. He was holding himself down, nobody else..)

So.. all those loving people on a higher vibration (or, God, if you believe that, or Jesus, or Heavenly Father..) who are there to guide us along.. do you think they're going to take this little girl and say "hey, we're not going to help you be at peace or go on with your journey until your mom is brutally punished, made to feel pain beyond belief, or murdered, herself?" No, they are there waiting to lovingly heal and help her along. Both of them, actually.
I bet that little girl LOVES her mom, regardless, because that's how little kids are.
I bet she wants her to heal. Only through healing will this kind of cycle of crime STOP.


I'm just gonna let you think about that one for a while.

And then let's move on to the mom.
Let's say she's messed up enough (if she did this) that she's not feeling guilt or pain over it right now.
Do we know her whole story? Do we know what she's been through? No..
we do know that what she allegedly did is absolutely horrifying. Absolutely. And definitely wrong... definitely. Taking away someone's choice to live this life? Horrible.. right?


But eventually, she is going to learn the lessons she needs to learn. Whether it's right now, or after she dies a natural death, or some point down the road in this life she may realize what she's done and try to end her pain by taking her own life, but that's not going to work either..
cause she's got a big lesson to learn. Which makes her no less or more than any of us.. she's just a little further behind on the learning curve.

I know it sounds like I'm trivializing something horrible. I'm not.
But until we learn to look at each person from a place of complete love and compassion, and that includes murderers, rapists, abusers, etc... we have not learned our lesson either.

Hell is our own self-inflicted state of being, and we will all go there at some point, for some reason. Sometimes more than once. And we will never stop going there until we are living from a place of complete love and compassion for ourSELVES and all others.

Let Caylee be at peace. Know that she is, and be at peace with that yourself. If your goal is to go make someone else feel pain because they made someone feel pain, nobody's going to be very happy in the end. Least of all you.
Let it go, let "God". Hug your own babies and be glad you aren't Casey Anthony. Begin a cycle of healing instead of continuing a cycle of pain. Take one more little step toward living from your heart and loving all you come into contact with.

Make peace. Be peace.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Me, Authentically (Yesterday, pt II)

Yesterday, early morning, I was tired and grumpy, sitting in a canyon in the middle of nowhere, hoping I wouldn't step on a rattlesnake or something, and I saw this dog, laying in the spring water, just happy to be alive and able to play.

I (unlike me) actually vocalized that I wish I could be a dog, at that moment. LOL. I wished I could have no shame and just go jump in the damn muddy water if I felt like it, playing and jumping around.

Ironically, one of the intentions that came up yesterday was play. It wasn't an intention I set aloud for myself, but I did in my head. And by the end of the day I was more muddy, wet, dirty, and probably even happier than the dog. Albeit sunburned, dammit. :)

my makeup was gone, my hair was dirty and I had my sweater soaked in stream water, draped over my head so I wouldn't get any FURTHER sunburned or heat-exhausted.

And then someone told me I looked like a beautiful fairy.

and I could actually just smile and accept that instead of thinking of all the reasons I probably wasn't beautiful right then. I laughed so hard my face and stomach hurt.. I cried so hard my body wouldn't stop shaking. I watched butterflies and sparrows and dragonflies play and didn't worry what time it was or if my phone was ringing.
I said whatever I felt like saying... I smiled without worrying what my teeth looked like.

And less than 24 hrs later I'm sitting here scared of whether or not anybody could like ME, who I REALLY am, and not the person that I've been hiding behind. A total statue, really, which couldn't possible be very loveable anyway, but I'm still scared to have fun, and laugh hard, and play hard, and look ridiculous.

And I felt more loved yesterday than .. you know, since the last women's circle. ;-)
So, I need to work on that shiz.

From now on, I'm going to try harder to be very authentically me.
I'm not ready to stop wearing makeup or anything but.. ya know. :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How Powerful Are We?


That's what I'm learning.

Yeah, I've been trying to walk the line between medicine and vodka, and doing an okay job of it. I never puked.

I've been hoping I'd never go back to being an imperfect human after ceremony.
But the truth is that I'm just starting this journey and I'm just starting to love it. I still balk at the idea of going, every time. But if they have enough faith in me to show up for me I'm damn well going to show up for me too.

As I was sitting in a really dirty stinky truck (that I grew to love, haa) at about 4 am this morning, with a total stranger man driving us into the middle of absolute nowhereville (which by the way, happens to generally be heaven), I was thinking, "how the freak do I get myself into these situations?"

Like, I called my mom crying because I needed money to go see my therapist in Cedar City, and instead I end up going to another ceremony that 2 medicine women drove 300+ miles to do. For ME. Because I "called it"?

'scuse me? I didn't want to stay up all night and go get dirty and sunburnt and drink stuff that makes me feel like I'm going to puke.

Oh wait, I guess I do, because I'm powerful enough that I MADE that happen. And I made the two prior ceremonies happen. And I brought back the women's ceremony.
And a lot of other women did too, and you know what? Our perfect intentions brought the perfect people together at the perfect times.

Over the short course of my journey thus far I have met some seriously amazing, strong and PERFECT women who all, down deep, don't even know how to love themselves. WE all can see the amazing in all those other women but we can't accept it when it comes to hearing it ourselves. Weird how we choose into that.

Meh, I'm going on a tangent that I can't really finish coherently.
But back the Perfect People, Perfect Time.

The two other women who came to ceremony today were....

The older sister of twin girls who lived with my family for a while when I was young (I still remember then VERY fondly, so fondly that when I saw this woman I got insanely happy even though she wasn't one of them).. and...

The nurse who played a huge part in saving me and Sophia from having an unnecessary C-section at her birth.
i've wanted to find that woman for YEARS. SEVEN YEARS. And just give her a hug.

And I'm so damn powerful that I got her to that ceremony so i could. I didn't know I was doing it, but I did.

They also were the perfect mirrors and teachers for me in my life on THIS DAY for me to see a lot of things I needed to heal.
There's even one that I see all the time at ceremony that I can't STAND, and ya know why? Cause I see the me that I HATE, in her.

Damn.. we're cool human beings.
I mean really... I'm done talking tonight, I'm just going to sit here in awe. Of ME.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

"With Grace and Ease..."

So. Time to start working on this blog, here. I've got a lot to say, and feel like I still haven't wrapped my brain around it enough to really convey it properly.

I went to a women's ceremony (native american medicine circle.. thing.. I don't really know the proper name for it) up north on Tuesday. The day or two before that I was really falling back into my stress and depression again.. still not to the degree that I did before, and I doubt I EVER will to that degree again, because once you've seen "the light" (don't laugh) it's hard to deny it. It would be going against everything I know now to allow myself to fall into that pit.

First of all -- women are AMAZING. we females really need to start to feel and form more of a sense of community and equality with each other. I'm so tired of the competition, back stabbing, etc... this came up in the circle too, that it's so hard to feel comraderie with women these days because it's all a competition, because of our own insecurities.
Let me tell you, in that teepee? Everyone's an equal. The 23 yr old who's never been on her own. The drug addict, the survivor of heinous crimes and witness to horrific pain. Everyone. College girls, motel managers, medicine women.. we're all THE SAME. Some of us are a few ceremonies ahead of each other, but we're all stumbling along on the same path. We've all felt the same pain. In there, masks are off, truth is out, and it's.. purely magic, to be on equal ground. To give and receive absolute love and support from someone who may have been a stranger 5 minutes before.
To hear stories that humble you, that mirror you, that cause you to look into your own soul and see both the things you need to really look at and evaluate, and the things that you should allow to absolutely shine.

What I learned from this? It's hard, so hard to put into words. But I can say that it's .. humbled me. To a place of absolute gratitude for my life, for those who love me in their own stumbling, wonderful ways. For those who have HURT me.. yes, I mean that. For everyone who has played their part in my life exactly the way that I was asking them to through my actions and intentions at the time, to teach me the lessons I had to learn.
I'm honored that my children chose me to be their mother, despite my many flaws... I'm in so much love with the beauty that they are.

I want to stop saying the word "learn" because the fact is that it's really, we have just spent our whole lives burying the truth. With things other people project onto us, say to us... we take all of that on and turn into someone that we maybe never intended to at all. We believe those things, and become them.
It is, perhaps, that we need to UN-learn all the UN-truths that we have come to believe, and that is where we find the truth. Within ourselves. It's already there.

In the words of Osho, "You become that which you think you are. Or, it is not that you become it, but that the idea gets very deeply rooted - and that's what all conditioning is."

As one of the beautiful women there pointed out, why the HELL have we all allowed someone (or many someones) to shape us? Why do we never realize, why aren't we TAUGHT that we can choose exactly who we want to be, what we want to draw into our lives, and how to respond to the lessons that we are blessed with? Why are we so obsessed with 20 years ago, when someone told us we were stupid, or not good enough, or not pretty enough... or a year ago, when someone said I was too messy... or 5 years ago, when someone said I wasn't pretty without makeup.. or WHATEVER. WHY?! It's NOT MY BUSINESS what anyone else thinks of me. It's their business. My business is what I think of me, and what I want to be.

It's sooo incredibly important (and incredible, when I achieve it) to live in the PRESENT, to be my authentic self and to love ME. To stop looking back on the past and mourning it, obsessing over it, letting it be who I am? TODAY is all there really is. And it's so simple. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet. If the last 23 years of my life wasn't what I wanted it to be.. if I wasn't who I wanted to be.. if I fucked things up and I hate who I was, then I can choose to change who I've been, and do things different from this moment on. I can't change anyone else thinks or says, but I can be better, and know that which I am, and honor myself. I am beautiful, I am powerful, and despite my own stumbling, I'm VERY much a valuable person and spirit in this world. I can help people tremendously with gifts I've been blessed with. I have two children who bless me daily. I can be better, do more, learn more, and draw more that I desire into my life every moment.

I must admit that stepping back into the real world after an experience like that is a little bit of a let-down. You remember.. people backstab, people judge.. people are insecure and struggling themselves, and that comes out in ways that hurts everyone involved. But we're all in different places on our journeys, and I have to respect that and try to remember.. it's not my business what they think of me. I can call on those beautiful hours I spent in a tent full of many very different spirits who all came together in understanding, love, and pure non-judgment and try to create that atmosphere in my own family, first, and the rest of my life as well.
"Life just keeps on Life-ing", as someone so aptly spoke. It is only us who can change the way we live it....

With grace, and ease. Aho.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Walking Through Hell

I have heard.. if you're walking through hell... keep going.
For years I have kept trying to turn around, change it, go around it... but the fact is, I will never see the other side if I don't keep walking through my hell.

I tried, a few times before, to find the strength to do this.
The universe has nudged me, hit me, knocked me over the head, and finally just decided I needed a brick wall to fall on me. I get it, ok?

It's been a fog of the worst sadness, hopelessness, and just ACHING to end this life.. for days and days.. I've lost track of time, of what's important.. of myself.

Fortunately, I have good friends and family who are watching over me, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing this.
Fortunately, my whole life has been leading up to this point, and it's time for a death and a real re-birth of my Self and my path.
Fortunately, I went through all of that, and it broke me, it scarred me, it shattered me....
But I am a force, an energy that can't be extinguished, and I'm getting back up, and I'm moving on.

I spent some time with a native american medicine woman who has been a long-time family friend, all day on Monday.

I came home Monday and my head felt clearer.. I couldn't wait to see my children, to hug them and feel their light. And finally they felt like joy instead of weight. Yes, they've always been my reason and my happiness, but something is different now. Before, I was not dying, for them. Now, I'm living for them. And me.

I still cry every day. I miss him like crazy, more than I thought I could miss a human being. But it's time to move on, and keep moving. It's time to fill the hole in my heart by myself. Every thing my life is today is a product of choices I've made, leading up to this point. It's time to choose to love myself and it's time to choose to make that enough, as hard as that may be.

"Children are the anchors that hold mothers to life." - Sophocles

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Problem

I was sitting here, with all this silly rapture talk surrounding me, thinking.. what if this was my last day on earth, REALLY? What if? I mean, it could be for anyone, for any reason. And I've seen a lot of very sudden, seemingly premature death in my little world lately. (RIP Bobby :( and Wimeru! )

Anyway, the point is that I was wondering what kind of regrets I might have, if that were the case.
You know what I'd do? I'd grab my kiddos, get together w/my family, call a special few amazing friends, and just hold onto those babies and be grateful for every second I got with them.
I wouldn't regret that I was never famous, or that my life ended when I had no car or job. I'd be super happy that I was able to spend a lot of time with my kids in the recent past... I'd possibly regret all the sadness that has taken over my life, so that's something I need to work on. Not good to waste time being miserable.

I would feel relief, that I wouldn't have to be stressed about "making something" of my life. That I wouldn't have to keep striving for someone else's idea of success and feeling like I've failed, day after day.
.. what the hell, I don't have a car or a job? OH WELL!
I went out last night and had more fun than I've had in a long time. I remembered how to BE fun.
Lately, when I hug my kids or they do something cute, or I get to watch them sleeping peacefully, I savor the moment a little bit more.

Cause I've been thinking about what's important, and the PROBLEM IS... that I'm trying to live up to what the world thinks is important so I am not looked at as a failure.
I quit my job at IHOP cause it "wasn't good enough for me". Whatever. I liked it, and I liked my co-workers, and I miss it.
I spent more time cleaning my house and yelling at my kids for messing it up than playing with them, before we had to vacate and go stay with a friend. Because.. oh yeah, the world sees messes as bad. Fail. Lazy.
I like clean, but how much of it do I do because it's what *I* want, and how much is because I don't want to be viewed a certain way?

I've been thinking, what would I do with my future if I really didn't care what anyone else thought about it? I could be perfectly damn happy if I found a job I was content with and comfortable in, even if it was fast food, and I got to sing my heart out a few times a week at karaoke.. maybe some Zumba and Yoga in there.. yep. I'd be even happier if I didn't have to have a stupid job, and I could just sing and play the piano and hang out with my kids. Maybe open a little practice doing Reiki and Tarot readings and such, be a much more realistic and less cheesy version of Jennifer Love Hewitt in the Ghost Whisperer... Help people out, cause I love that shit.
I'd love it if I could be with a man who could support that, and love me for me. But, I'm not supposed to want to be with a man, cause that's not liberated enough of me. Oooooops.

The PROBLEM IS, I don't get to do much of what makes me happy cause I spend so much time trying to do what people think I'm supposed to do.
And the other problem is, I have to make a certain amount of money to support 3 whole people. Since nobody else (read, loser dad people) is contributing to that.

Now I just need to figure out a solution. Certainly, it's good to know what the problem is, and realize what COULD make me happy.
Just, to make it happen.. hm.

I just wanna do WHAT I WANNA DO. I need to find a way to facilitate that (financially, mostly). Which means.. maybe I go to school for a few years and become a paralegal or a court reporter or something I don't care too much about, but would support us. Or maybe I get a boob job and start stripping, cause that's a lot of income for very little time and boobs are only boobs. Seriously. What would be so wrong with any of that?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Do I Exist?

I have a feeling I do.. somewhere deep down, there is a ME. I have seen glimpses of her lately.. when I'm around the right people (a visit with a childhood friend.. when I sing.. sometimes in therapy..). But when I look back, I realize I lost her many years ago.

I'm not sure if I ever had much of a grip on her. One thing that remains a consistent thread in my life is that I.. am not much in it. It's about someone else, something else, always. I felt completely isolated and without worth until I figured out how to make boys notice me. And then I learned to be who a boy wanted me to be so I wouldn't be alone, and this could vary from boy to boy.
And then I started having children, and this gave me something to be. I'm a MOM. That's
an identity right? That's who I am.

But wait.. no, that's not who I am. It's a part of it. And it's what I do. It's something that NOW defines part of me, but not all of me. I have been a mother for 7 years if you count gestation. I've been Faith for almost 27. So who is THAT?

Strip away the mom, the girl who wants to please the man she's in love with, the girl who helps people because it makes her feel at least, useful.. the person who wants.. just to be liked.... and who is left?

Do I even exist?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Saying Goodbye (or.. see ya later)

It's never easy, but sometimes it's beautiful. If you know that person is moving on to healing and happiness they weren't able to achieve before.

I could never describe the feeling of being embraced and thanked by an earth-bound spirit for the (fumbling, uneducated) help I gave them. To see the light go back into their eyes as they knew they were moving toward a lightness of being.. a higher vibration, and a place of freedom from the weight and sadness and pain they carried from this life.

But.. it is one of the most beautiful blessings that comes with my gift that sometimes feels like a curse. For all the pain, doubt, and fear that I've experienced, that moment of holding a soul in your arms and knowing the best is yet to come for you both? That's .. divinity.

See ya later, girl.. it was nice having you here for a while. We'll meet again in a happier time.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Project: Love (Myself)

I was thinking, intently and humbly for once, about the idea that many people have presented to me that I do not love myself, and until I can love/like myself/enjoy my own company, no one else will either.

I have brushed it off by saying.. I know what I'm worth, it's jus tthat nobody bothers to look deep enough.

Not true.

I tried to think about one thing I truly think is awesome about me.

..... I love my kids more than my own life. But... to be honest, the emotional pain I'm often in IS enough that I've considered leaving them. and I hate myself for that.

I've been told I have pretty eyes. But if I don't have makeup on, I hate every inch of my face.

I'm talented, but it's gotten me nowhere.

I'm smart, but.. it's gotten me nowhere.

I'm strong, but not strong enough.

I HAVE to find one thing I can say I at least like about ME, without the word "but" after it.

.... I.. like.. my ability to not judge. To see all sides of an equation, to walk a mile in another person's shoes.. to feel what they feel and love them unconditionally.

There's one thing.

I intend to do this until I find 30. If I can't find one, please help...

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The darkest recesses

I don't know yet if I will publish this publicly or privately. I am one to share... everything. But so much.. perhaps it is wise to keep close to the vest, until the right time, or the right person comes along.

But I must have an outlet.

Todd, she is still by my side so much. She haunts me... I mean, in the true sense of the word, but constantly in my thoughts.. I see her face as clearly as if we'd been best friends for years. I hear her voice. She doesn't smile much, these days, and I look at her pictures... she looked so very happy. I have the same thought that so many others must have had.. "WHY? Why would someone happy and beautiful and so LOVED choose to take her own life so early?"

I've heard many of the reasons. She didn't want to be a burden. She was in pain. Physically and emotionally, though she hid it well. She wanted to be remembered as a beautiful and happy person, before it deteriorated.

And then there is me.
I am not beautiful, really. I am rarely happy, and have been plagued by this chronic depression and self-loathing (which stemmed from others not accepting me so very early on)... I am not fun, I am not outgoing, I am not successful. I am sitting in a bed that is not mine, in a house that is not mine. My beautiful children (my only pride... and yet, did I really do that, or did divinity?).. they lay sleeping next to me and i wonder, if i let go NOW, would they be okay? Would they be better, especially if they didn't know it wasn't an accident? Would they grow up revering their brave single mom instead of looking back with loathing on my constant tearfulness and short temper, my inability to be fun..

Thus far, life has truly taught me these things:

People only want me around if 1) they are very lonely, and I am their last choice for company, and I am willing to do all the work.. 2)I can help them gain something, financially, monetarily, etc.. or 3) they want to have sex with me.

I have been told I'm frightening to look at without makeup on. I've been told that nobody could love me because of my "cold" personality. I've been promised that I was loved deeply and that he'd marry me someday, and then abandoned when the 2nd line showed up on that pregnancy test.
I've been told by every man I've ever loved than he NEVER LOVED ME.
Except the one man who won't be with me. He loved me, once, so he says. He loves me still "As a friend".

I have a basic human need. I need to feel loved. I need to be someone's priority. I need for all my work and sacrifices to pay off... to be able to give my children happiness. A stable family environment. The things they need to grow into the people they have the potential to be.
I have been denied that need for more years than not, and .. Every rope has its end. Is it time for me to end this, and start over again? Is there any way that I will be able to find the joy that I so want and deserve in this life?

Don't fucking tell me that as long as I place that responsibility on finding a man, that I will not find happiness.
I have had beautiful, confident, happy times in my life.. in fact, one of the best times of my life was when I met Dan.
My unfortunate soul mate. The one I will never be able to fully live without. The one no one will ever measure up to. When I met him, I was happy. I felt good about me, about life, about my parenting, about my friends.. everything.

And then everything broke.

I'm only 26. But I feel so old. And I feel as though I've derailed so far that I will never get on the track I want to be on. My kids deserve better than me.. and I'm tired of being a burden on everyone.
I want to be the person who everyone looks forward to seeing and talking to. Who brings light into the room with her. I want to be someone that Dan can't wait to be around, rather than someone he tolerates for a night every few weeks so that he can get his cookies, because.. hell, I am good in bed.
Like I said, it's about all I have going for me.

I was born with extraordinary potential. Musical talent, intelligence, a knack for the written word, empathy, and strength.

How did I end up here? How do I dig out? I've been trying, praying, manifesting, working, sacrificing. There is only so long I can pour every bit of my soul into something and get nothing back.

That time is coming to an end.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

"Be realistic: Plan for a miracle" — Osho

The more Osho that I read, the more I love him. Someone who lives so fully by joy in the mere fact that we ARE who we were born as. That we need not search for or become more, that we are perfect and only need uncover that. His philosophy of joy and laughter.

And as I have witnessed some seemingly small but truly great miracles over the past week or so.... I am still very much clinging to hope for the one I've been manifesting for years.

Two nights ago I had a bomb dropped on me.. never saw it coming, never expected it, and my first reaction was, what I called at the time, "realism". Pessimism. Expecting the worst.

Now I am reading and talking to more enlightened and positive friends and searching for ways to become more joyful, because I simply cannot allow myself to be any lower.. Yesterday I let myself feel it all. I cried and cried. I talked about it. I voiced my fears and my truths...

And now I'm wondering... is it realistic to plan for this miracle? Or is it stupid?

What if I just chose to believe the best... followed a path I never even considered.. look foolish to everyone I know? And things don't turn out the way that I want them to?

Does that mean a miracle didn't occur?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The dark before dawn.. hopefully.

It's easter/pagan celebration of spring/fertility/whatever. Zombie Jesus day, as my ex called it (I like that).

It's been quite the weekend, and I find myself sitting here hoping for a miracle... very much reminiscent of Easter '08, a mere few days after my brother passed away. Then, I was praying that the religion I'd believed in my whole life and then rejected would suddenly make sense to me so that I could know I'd see my brother again.

Now, I know that I don't need THAT to believe I'll see him again. I have seen him again. I've talked to him again. I feel his comforting presence all the time. And I don't believe in one God, one religion, heaven, or hell. I just know we all go on after this life and we can break down the barriers even before that, if we choose.

Having learned that, and having the... "Gift" that I have, of communicating between various life stage barriers (i think that's how my friend put it today, and I really liked that, as opposed to "speaking to the dead", since we don't really die)... anyway, it's a gift and a curse. If someone who is harboring hurt and heaviness from this life hasn't passed on and realizes that I could help them to communicate and move on, they persist and persist until I do something about it, no matter how difficult that may be for me.

Without naming names or being too specific about a situation... someone that I've been very close to for the past 3.5 years lost someone HE was very close to, 3 years ago, to suicide. It was.. even more tragic than most, if that is possible, and especially personal to him. I've always felt a connection and pain over the situation, although I never met or knew this woman. Over the past 3 years I've slowly taken on pieces of her persona... feelings, thoughts, actions, even physical ailments and attributes. It's sped up considerably since last fall, causing many health and mental issues (and relationship issues).

I only recently realized that she really, desperately wants to get to him. Through me. The problem is, he doesn't believe in anything at all. I spent weeks deliberating over what to do.. first ignoring it, then realizing I couldn't.. composing and recomposing emails, begging other friends to take the burden for me so it wouldn't cause a rift in my friendship with HIM. But she wanted me to do this.

So, I did it. And I can't say that things are awesome right now. I'm terrified. She's terrified. He's confused as hell, but amazingly, by far more open to the idea than I thought he would be.

I cried and had nightmares all night about these people and their situation... she sent me flashbacks of an argument they had.. I woke up shaking uncontrollably and it didn't go away for hours. I've been unable to keep the tears from falling for almost 24 hours. He said he was going to see her grave today which he hadn't done since the funeral.

It's a step.

When I woke up, I had a hymn from my childhood stuck in my head, and realized it was Easter. I remembered how I wished for a miracle, 3 years ago... and it's come to me in a different way than I expected. Other miracles that I've wished for for much longer still elude me...
But as I lay there, I thought.. "I wish there were miracles in life.." and immediately a voice came into my head saying "you just set one into motion."

I'm hanging onto that for dear life. I'm in a horribly dark place of fear and doubt...

And selfishly hoping that just this once, the miracle will be one for me, too....

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Scars (and other stuff people don't wanna see)

I've been thinking about this post for a while, and I am still not sure I can do the subject justice, but it's something that I think should be talked about. It needs to be out in the open. And my views on it may be.. highly controversial, upsetting, whatever. DEAL.

Scars remind us where we've been
They don't have to dictate where we're going.

- Criminal Minds

I have all kinds of scars.
I have stretch marks from having babies. That's acceptable, but nobody wants to see them. They're still ugly and should be hidden, right?


Well, I disagree. They say, hey, I gave up my body - not just for 9 months, but forEVER - to bring another human being into this world. And I'm giving my entire life in devotion to that human being. Shouldn't I be proud of that?
So, I wear two piece swimming suits. I don't give a f***. If you don't like it, you've got a problem.

I have chicken pox scars. No biggie.

I have a scar from when I cut myself cooking Thai food for a man I love deeply. I went into shock and finished cooking, had him over for dinner and cleaned up before I went to the ER, which may be why the scar is so big.


I have tattoos.



I have self-inflicted scars. A lot of them. Those are the ones that I (and the rest of the world) have the biggest issue with.
I shouldn't HAVE to be ashamed of them. That's where I came from. That's something I did once.
Everyone has ways they deal with pain. Praying, crying, drinking, breaking things, taking pills. Some people cause themselves physical pain to distract from the emotional pain.
I'm not saying it's good to hurt yourself. But there are worse things I could have done. I wasn't slitting my wrists. I wasn't cutting with the intent to injure. And there was always a focus behind it. My kids' names. A heart. Something to remind me of why I was only scratching the surface, and why I needed to push through the pain and keep going.

I know a lot people are going to take issue with this. This is why I ended up in therapy at the age of 13. It has ended relationships and friendships. It landed me in therapy again (along with my plans to leave this world by March 20th of this year) last fall.

So, with the warm weather coming on, I decided to wear shorts today.
If people were to look closely at all, this is what they'd see:



Shock and disgust, right? Horrible. Awful. That girl is messed up, yeah?
Maybe I was at one time, maybe not. I know a lot of people who get tattoos because it's a "Stress reliever".. it's "Addictive".. how is that different? I don't hurt myself anymore, not physically, but we all beat ourselves up emotionally too. Just cause you can't see the scar, doesn't mean it's not there.
I prefer to see it. Remember why it happened. Learn from it and move on. Be proud that you made it through.

Like so many things in life, I wish people were more open about this. I wish teenagers going through the same pain I went through felt like they didn't have to hide that pain -- maybe if they didn't feel the need to hide it, it wouldn't be so internalized that they would have to express it through self-injury. It's a vicious circle.

Couldn't we.. shouldn't we just look at these scars and marks and say "hey, ok, so that's part of where she came from. But maybe it'd be better to figure out where she's headed." Instead of saying "bad girl, don't cut yourself", look for the reason why this person is in so much emotion pain that physical pain is a welcome distraction? And then try to HELP, instead of judge? Maybe if we shared.. maybe if we weren't ashamed, or MADE to feel ashamed, nobody would have to hurt like I - and so many others - have, and do. (I don't think shame is a natural emotion... our parents teach it to us.. our teachers, our friends, our mentors, our church leaders teach it to us.. we aren't born knowing shame).

I kinda love my scars. You should too.

Monday, April 11, 2011

MORE random

Went to cali!
The best part? The beach, hands down. I can FEEL it when I'm near it, even if I can't see or hear it. I just know. And it heals my soul.

See.. I would never look that goofy if I wasn't deliriously happy.

(Steph, if you're reading this, I wished you'd been there).

I put my toes in the sand and let the tide freeze them to death.. Brent danced.. I spun around like a little kid...

That is my happiness, my peace. Where I heal my soul.
I was fortunate to go to two beaches and had a traveling partner who was very chill and easy to hang out with.

Saw/stayed with my BFF from childhood and caused our usual havoc ;-)

Had a "meeting" with Sophia's .. other DNA donator..
and spent about 20 mins with a man who I fell in love with 7 yrs ago and... timing has never been on my side, so he is now married with a baby. And we both still.. feel that pull. It was nice to see him. But.. bittersweet. I had a chance. I lost it. That doesn't come along so often... sometimes never. Sometimes once.
I lost it. :(

Dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Haven't slept for 48 hours. Should.

Beginning to see the "passed on" regularly, as a part of regular every day life. It startles me, still. Don't know that it will ever be easy for me. But I'm constantly being reminded by my guides and angels that we are protected. I think something big is coming, that will test us all to the max. But I think that I am strong enough, and I have help.

Now, if I could only know what is right for me.. which way to go, what step to take next.
Limbo is not my favorite place. Denial is. But neither gets me far.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Starting Over

(and hoping to do it right, this time?)

Over the past.. 6 months? I've purged my life of a lot of "Friends" who weren't true friends. But people who I spent years cultivating some sort of close relationship with. Whether it was healthy or not, there was comfort in that.

So at this point, I have nearly zero people left in my life who have been there for more than a very short time. Nobody who knows me. Nobody who has been there.
It's disconcerting, and sometimes depressing. Sometimes... I feel like I'm living in absolute soul seclusion.

I'm meeting new people, making new friends.
But after dropping people who I had known for 3, 4, 7, 10 years... newness isn't fun anymore. I want comfort. I want ... what I had.. but healthier.
And maybe in 10 years I will have that.
But right now... it's just a lot of pain and loneliness. It's hard to enjoy. I know, there is something wrong with me for feeling that way. Isn't that what everyone wants? NEW NEW NEW? New car, new lover, new and exciting friends, new places to go, new everything?

I want ... comfort, like an old couch that knows your body shape and folds you in like a long-time friend, in a long embrace.
Just the way you know is comfy. Just what works.

I don't want the new. I don't want the awkward. I don't want the not knowing.

But I shoved myself into this position, so here I am. Someday, I think.. hope.. pray.. beg.. that I will look back and be glad.
Right now, the one person whose arms i feel most comfortable in is.. elusive.. transitory.. at best.
I knew that it was that way, but I chose to keep it anyway.

Love, and comfort, and knowing someone's soul. powerful things.
Like gravity. Almost.. impossible to escape. And you can't ever overcome it forever.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Randomness and Ranting

Haven't posted in a bit.

The world spins madly on... some days and weeks go by so slow it feels they'll never end, but then suddenly I realize it's been a month and I didn't get anything done. Time is a very strange thing, but I guess that's because it's a human invention, after all.

I can't organize my thoughts very well tonight, but I needed to get some things out, and give some updates.

-- Still no settlement on my car from the accident. I had to pay for the rental out of pocket. (GRR).I am grateful for the car that my dad is able to lend me, though it's eccentricities and issues have no bounds, it GENERALLY gets me from point A to point B. I have a lovely sunburn mostly on my left arm from driving around with the window down (amazing how the tint actually really creates a barrier.. LOL).

We are healing, slowly. The kids are doing better than I am. As we speak, my left shoulder is so knotted up, muscles torn, etc that it looks visible about an inch larger/more swollen than my right. Yay, fun.

I quit the new job, after groveling for it. Ha. It was not worth it.. not even close to worth it. I miss IHOP, but I put myself in a position where they wouldn't take me back on purpose.. I need to move forward. I'm just sure how, or to what, at this point. I have to be making some money, but the things that are manifesting in my life that I KNOW I should be doing and that will bring me happiness... they aren't going to support me and my family right now. Not yet.

I completely lost my spirituality. I mean, completely, for a while. I just began doing Reiki again, and have had some interesting dreams as well. Scary ones, that I'm a little bit frightened to see the outcome of (as I know the difference between my empathic and psychic dreams and "just dreams"). But, at least the energy is flowing again. My sister is kind of a genius with these things and helped me do an "energy flush" that helped a lot. Actually, now that I think of it, that was about when my seizures stopped... hmm!

I joined an A Capella group called !nverted. A very, very talented group of musicians that I feel a little bit "behind" in, but.. I think that we/they will go far. I hope that I can keep up. I don't like playing the single mom card, but it's literally been so incredibly impossible for me to sit down and take time to learn my parts at home. People don't seem to understand the level on which Eli destroys and consumes every second of my life at home with him... The chaos.. I love the boy with all my heart, but there are parts of me that think I will never be able to accomplish anything inmy life except basic survival until he is an independent adult.

Which brings me to my rant...

For 6 years I have been a single mom... I've always accepted all that comes along with that, including the fact that I may NEVER see a single dime (especially from Sophia's dad). Eli's dad helps me out, now, and does his best. We have our differences, but I have some respect for the fact that he tries.

But I see this happen SO often.. that a man thinks .. he needs to follow his dreams (don't we ALL feel that way?) and he puts that as his #1 priority. I CAN'T DO THAT.
I guess, I could, if I didn't really care about my kids. But I care about them. I can't just push them aside and be constantly broke, put them in danger of being without clothes, food, a home, etc. I can't NOT work a steady job no matter how it kills me (and, right now, working literally KILLS me).

I do not have an extra second in my life to practice for auditions, practice for competitions, take lessons, hone my talents, seek out opportunities. I just don't. And yes, after 6 years, it breaks my heart sometimes. Especially when I do get hopefully about things and make plans and then realize.. my kids need me more than I need to do this. And if anything I'm doing ever compromises that, I have to step away from that path.

It is hard, it is painful. But that's what you do when you love your kids. You put aside what you want so that they can have what they NEED.
Sometimes you even put aside what you need.

So, we'll see, I guess. But I'm angry. Angry that Sophia's "dad" has spent the past.. oh, 20 or so years chasing HIS dreams and owes me thousands in back-support, and then has the audacity to whine about not being able to get a passport, having to work shitty temp jobs, etc etc.. Please. He had his chance. When do I get mine?
When's it my turn?

Sunday, March 27, 2011


Is any of this real?

And.. if it is (or ISN'T).. does it MATTER?!

Really. I mean, what matters besides what we believe? Until we're proven wrong....

I want to believe I won't always be alone. I find ways of believing it, for moments.
But the truth is that I will....
I know that like I know the sun will rise tomorrow. No matter how hard I try, I can't change it.

And sometimes that makes me sob my guts out til I can't breathe. Sometimes.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Learning to be Alone, and Single Parenting

It sucks

Rule #1: never hope for anything ELSE. Because it IS enough. But if you forget that, you are doomed.

Rule #2: NEVER EVER EVER hope for ANYTHING else.

Rule #2.5: Don't count on anyone, ever. Nobody. And always expect people to bail on you, or you are doomed. Your life is not easy, and it is only fun in ways that you can understand. Because you're your kids' mom. The good things are only visible to you in the best moments. Nobody else wants this. Remember that, and be okay with it.

Rule #3: remind yourself every day never to hope for anything else. Why? because..

Rule #4: Your kids are the BEST thing that will ever happen to you. Not a man. Not a friend. Not a job. Not a career. Not a million dollars. Your kids.

That is all.

"Hope is the worst of all evils, for it prolongs the torment of man." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Something about the past week or two has completely changed me. And not in a bad way, despite all the trauma, tears, frustration, pain, mistakes, and feeling alone.

I have somehow regained my ability to be grateful. For the tiniest things. And amazed.

Those two perfect little beings came from ME.
They are sweet, and beautiful, and incredibly intelligent. Sometimes they drive me crazy, but their brilliance is beyond measure.
And I take FULL credit for that. I raised these kids. Yes, I send them to a babysitter when I'm at work, but I am my kids' mom. I am. I love them so intensely that through all my mistakes and self-absorbed moments and misery and confusion, my 6 yr old can see right through that and say she KNOWS.. she knows that they are the most important things in my life. She knows I love her. She knows that when I'm mean or impatient, I don't mean to be, and she knows I'm doing my best.

How freaking beautiful is that?

And Eli... after I yell at him for taking his diaper off and shitting on the floor (or the bed, or ME) for the 20th time.. for dumping out a whole bag of chips that I just bought.. for breaking my favorite vase.. whatever... he can still come up to me, give me a kiss and say "luh you mama". And he knows I Luh Him Too.

And as long as I have that, how can I be ungrateful? how can I not keep waking up and taking one step at a time, sometimes one breath at a time, if that's all I can do...? I've been given so much. And to whom much is given, much is expected.

My heart is full. I am lucky.
I am often sad, disappointed, angry, bitter, exhausted..
but I am lucky. And deep down .. I am HAPPY. Because we were born to be happy. My children show me that every day, that our natural state as humans is happiness. We are born happy. We are born to play, to find wonder and beauty in all things. We are born to accept everyone as they are. We are born without concepts of ugly, different, stupid, selfish, or mean. We are made of Gratitude and Amazement. Pure love. We, as damaged adults, just have to dig down deep, beyond the dirt that's piled up on our complete, whole, unbroken and undamaged hearts, and remember how to be exactly what we are.

To My Babies:

You're my life's one miracle
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this 'til you

You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
Though the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more

The nearest thing to heaven
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love

When you smile AT me I cry
And to save your life I'd die
With a romance that is pure in heart
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires
I live for your desires
Forget my own, your needs will come before
Who could ever love you more

There is nothing you could ever do
To make me stop loving you
And every breath I take
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams
And know for sure
Who could ever love you more?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Leave Out All The Rest

3 years ago, my brother left this world. I didn't know til the next morning... but that night, I also was told by the love of my life (for the first of many times) that he did not love me or want to be with me. That was the beginningof a downhill slide that I have barely been able to even.. pause... ever.... my god.

That was after miscarrying a baby, being kicked out of my home onto the streets by my "best friend"... and many other traumatic experiences.
The 3rd and final piece of my soul group.....
But I've felt him here. He's been here, watching over us.

What I haven't told a lot of people is that I was going to join him, today. I hadn't decided for or against it for sure ... but life takes over, doesn't it? And my kids took priority.
My kids need me. Their useless, barely present, messed up, vertigo-plagued, seizing mother.. they need me.
So I'm here.

But when MY time comes.. forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reason to be missed. Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory... leave out all the rest.

Leave out all the rest.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Happy Birthday to my Gorgeous Fairy Girl

Thank you for changing my life, into something more beautiful and meaningful than it ever could have been without you.


You amaze me more every day with your wisdom (Sophia means wisdom.. did I know that you would be or did someone wiser know?) and strength and the light that you carry with you.


I am blessed forever because of you. You have taught me more than I will ever teach you and you save me every day.

The day you were born is the day I was born again.


wrap myself around you
softly, whispering
that i am here
(although i'm sure you know)

and i am only reassuring myself.

You drift off so peacefully
and I rest my fingers
on your chest
and feel the rise and fall
that is breath I gave to you

you wrap your finger around mine
softly, sighing
and i know that you are here

and do you know
that you are the one who
brought me to life?


one breath at a time

and sometimes, that even feels impossible.

So much for an inspirational blog, eh?

I am single, again. Leaving me sure that there are simply no men out there that can love me for me. None that can rise to my level, understand who I am..
And while that's painful, everything else is equally, if not MORE painful right now.

Relationship issues, I can deal with. It's par for course.

Car accidents.. neck pain beyond belief.. feeling like my head is in a vice and disconnected from my body at the same time.. seizures.. forgetfulness.. uncontrollably crying.. inability to form full, coherent sentences. That, I don't know how to deal with.

No answers on the seizures except "take your alprazolam".
No answers on the insurance claim yet.
Out $700 so far today on rental car + other necessaries. Had to cancel job interview because I couldn't speak without sobbing.

Eli won't sleep.. it's 2:30 am. I can barely keep my eyes open, but they seem to be able to keep on fucking crying. Traitors.

I spent my whole life planning for, hoping for, daydreaming about a life that I never learned how to create. I did it all wrong, with only 2 good things to show for my misguided efforts.

I don't even want to be a part of my life, most days. Why should anyone else?.... And the things that make me happy, that keep me going, are so personal to who I am.. to being a mother, to loving my children the way that only a mother can .. that nobody else ever WILL be able to step into that and love it and find happiness there, too.

Oh, and I locked myself out of my house for the 6th time in about 8 days. Again.

I feel crippled and blocked on my spiritual path. I feel like the talents I thought I had are a farce. I ask for assistance and receive none.. I ask for guidance and there is silence. I cannot meditate.. I cannot find peace. I never have a moment for myself.

Just for today, I give up.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The past 48 hrs





Lotsa stress, tears, blah.

Decided I needed this:


and I really love spring


and Eli loves my makeup (can you see the scrape on his neck? Sniffle)


Sophia had to have a heart too


Went to this. Bad choice... not right without 'lijah


Now Imma have me some of this --




Thursday, March 10, 2011

everything and.. stuff.

won't know what to title this post til I'm done writing it
It won't be insightful or.. completely off the radar, like my last one. I think it only resonated with me, amusing.

This is basically just a.. "here's what's up" post so that everyone knows without me having to repeat myself, but it may be all OVER the radar, with everything that's going on.

To start off, I know. You're all wondering, what's with the love life?
Well, suddenly, when I had decided that I wanted nothing to do with anyone at all, except to focus on loving myself and cultivating REAL friendships with GENUINE people, I fell in love with this wonderful boy that was dropped into my lap. Out of nowhere.

I drove through snowmageddon one night to see him after he had a particularly depressing surgical consult, and also because.. well, you can talk to someone online, you can hear their voice, you can know every aspect of your personality fits like a glove, but you CAN'T know.. you can't KNOW.. until you see them and hold them in your arms. And I had to freaking know.
So I went, and stayed longer than intended. And spent a lot of time being offered the life I've always dreamed of, and not being sure how to handle it.

It's like .. I assume (since I've never been on heavy drugs) it's like the difference between a crack addict and a drug-free person. When you take something that's bad for you, but induces this HUGE high that feels SO fucking amazing for a little while.. the ups are hard to forget about. And almost impossible to leave behind. Despite the lows that follow, that almost or sometimes DO kill you. Emotionally, or even physically.

But when something is good, healthy, stable.. When you are getting and giving equally, when you are loving without taking and being loved without your energy being sucked from you constantly. When you aren't being criticized for who you are, rather, loved for every flaw AND perfection..
It's this slow, calm kind of peace. And it feels really great, in a way that doesn't always make you want to dance around the room or shout it from the rooftops (oh, but sometimes it DOES)... And you never would realize how great it is until it was gone... because it's not false, it's not unnatural, and it's.... infinite.

And barring any emergencies He will be down here this weekend. Thank the universe.


That's all I'm going to say about that right now.

As for me, myself and I... I've been having mini seizures, my stress management is even further down the toilet than usual (no pun intended), my house is a mess. I can't talk straight (Ever heard the term 'word salad'? This has been happening periodically). My $7K tax return is rapidly disappearing on things I never wanted to spend it on. I can't focus, my short term memory gets worse by the minute, and I've been getting VERY localized migraines.
I suppose it's time to see a doctor,but frankly, I know deep down they will tell me there is NOTHING wrong with me. They may put me on some kind of anti-seizure medication which will have other unsavory side effects that might be worse than what I'm dealing with now. I've got to put my car in the shop this weekend for at least 5 different ailments. The repairs are probably going to cost more than the worth of the car, but I don't have much other choice at this point.

My spiritual healing/education seems to be completely on hold. Half of my own volition -- I feel so inadequate. I try to do treatments and I... don't know. Have never had any report of real results.
And half because I just cannot focus. I try to meditate, to ground myself, to find some little tiny, miniscule center of peace deep within me. And I cannot. I did, when I was with Nicky. For a moment. Or in those seconds before sleep when I hear my children breathing peacefully next to me and I can stop beating myself up for all the ways I was a bad mother that day. When I can push away the anger I feel toward their "fathers" for the way they think that their responsibilities are optional,whereas mine will never be. And if I ever CHOSE to walk away from them, it would kill me.
If I could ever just say "hm, I can't take care of my kids between the hours of ___ and ___ because I have other things going on"... ha. What a joke that would be. I would not be their mother, I'd be their babysitter. That is all Eli's father is. Sophia's is no more than a sperm donor.

I have this book called "Anger" that I really need to read. But to find the time.. Time, where do you go, anyway?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Dream, The Burden, the Thunderbolt...

Did myself a little reading tonight.. I don't even dare tune into anyone else's energy right now.
I found it quite amusing. First time I laughed much today...

Past/Leading Into Situation: (The Dream)

"Some enchanted evening you're going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong. This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and 'at one' with our mothers; it's no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it's amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. nobody, whether it's your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us."

This has been said again and again, down through the ages. All the religious people have been saying this: "We come alone into this world, we go alone." All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone, and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship...
That's why we become so much involved in love. Try to see the point. Ordinarily you think you have fallen in love with a woman or with a man beccause s/he is beautiful. That is not the truth. The truth is just the opposite: you have fallen in love because you cannot be alone. You were going to fall. You were going to avoid yourself somehow or other.

If you watch man, if you watch yourself deeply, you will be surprised - all your activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is that you are afraid of your aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that you find yourself very alone.

The Present: (The Burden)

A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming. The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot become your soul. There is o way to make the nonessential the essential. The nonessential remains nonessential and the essential remains the essential, they are not convertible.

And striving towards truth is nothing but creating more confusion.

The truth has not to be achieved. It cannot be achieved, it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped.

O ALL aims and ends and ideals and goals and ideologies, RELIGIONS and systems of improvement and betterment, are lies. Beware of them. Recognize the fact that, as you are, you are a lie. Manipulated, cultivated by others. Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement. It is the lie's way to hide. See the lie, look deep into the lie of your personality. Because to see the lie is to cease to lie. No longer to lie is to seek no more for any truth - there is no need. The moment the lie disappears, truth is there in all its beauty and radiance. In seeing of the lie it disappears, and what is left is.. the truth.

(the lie, my search for truth, is my burden?)

The Future/Outcome - Thunderbolt!

"The card shows a tower being burned, destroyed, blown apart. A man and a woman are leaping from it not because they want to, but because they have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing consciousness. You might be feeling pretty shaky right now (um, seizures?!)
as if hte earth is rocking beneath your feet. Your sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever you can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if you allow it, you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experienes. After the fire, the earth is replenished; after the storm the air is clear. Try to watch the destruction with detachment, almost as if it were happening to someone else. Say yes to the process by meeting it halfway."

What meditation does slowly, slowly, a good shotu of the master, unexpectedly, in the situation where the disciple was asking some question, and the master jumps and shouts, or hits him, or throws him out of the door, or jumps over him..... these methods were never known. It was purely the very creative genius of Ma Tzu, and he made many people enlightened. Sometimes it looks so hilarious: he threw a man from the window, from a two-story house, and the man had to come to ask on what to meditate. And Ma Tzu not only threw him, he jumped after him, fell on him, sat on his chest, and he said, "got it?!"
And the poor fellow said, "Yes" - because if you say "No," he may beat you or do something else. It is enough - his body is fractured, and Ma Tzu, sitting on hsi chest, says, "GOT IT?!"
And in fact, he got it, because it was so sudden, out of the blue -- he could never have conceived it.

it is enough...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Living Healed

I think.. maybe.. trepidatiously.. I can say that I am healing. A little bit. And there are backslides and moments when I am sure the whole wound will rip open, worse than before, fester and kill me without any warning.


I just keep reminding myself, like I do when I'm walking the halls with my 18-month-old at 3 am, and he's screaming.. and I would like nothing more than to go into a coma for a few months... I murmur, "it's ok.. you're okay. It's ok.. you're ok.." I never have known who I was saying it to more.
And here I am saying it still.

We're okay. It's okay.
Eventually the dark night will be over and morning will come. I have to believe that. The sun has never refused to rise, before..
And while my "night" has been very, very long.. the sun has never refused to rise.

Perhaps I've had cloudy days in between when the sun was there and I could barely see it through my windows.. when I refused to throw open the windows and let it in anyway. It's all darkness to me, in this state of mind. I'm not sure how to see anything else lately.
I've lived this way for so long.

I have to live healed. Whole.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Everyone keeps telling me to love myself.

My natural, smart-ass response is that I love myself just fine. Better than a lot of men, I just need some double A batteries or a massaging showerhead.. sorry, TMI. ;)

BUT, in all seriousness. I've been told time and time again, I have to fully love myself before anybody else can love me.
I think this is totally bullshit. Sorry to all of those who have said this, but I see LOTS of people who don't love themselves, and have other people who love them very much. They have boyfriends, they move in together, they get married. They are loved.

This morning, I asked the ONE ex that I was SURE had really loved me, if he had been in love with me when we were together.

He said, "umm.. sorry, I really wasn't."

I didn't think it would bother me that much cause.. um, I wasn't in love with HIM. But I was WITH him because I was sure that he was in love with me, and thus far every man I'd chosen for myself had just used and abused me, and then left me when I became inconvenient (pregnant, emotional, demanding of time or attention, etc).

So, he wasn't.
So, nobody's ever been in love with me. MAYBE, maybe, the first boyfriend I had... from ages 16-18.. maybe. But it was so long ago, and I was a different person. And he dumped me, not vice versa.

So this leaves me with a perfect track record.....

What do I do with that? How am I supposed to believe it can EVER happen?
My real question is, how can you love yourself if nobody's ever loved YOU?

Please, I want real input. If you have anything to say about this (besides "well, you'll figure it out once you love yourself")...

I'm interested. I want to know. Most of you out there reading this are married. Have been in love and have been loved. Are loved. People like you. You have friends that enjoy your company. You don't go to bed crying every night either in an empty bed or smothered by children and animals... not being held by someone who gives to you rather than just takes.

I miss having someone who texted me "G'night, Sugar. XOXO" every night. I miss that. I miss him. He wasn't even in love with me. But my god.. I am lonely.
And I don't know how to fix this. I have no clue.

It doesn't mean I love my kids any less. It doesn't mean I don't find joy in our time together.
It means I'm a normal human being who wants what we were put on this earth to want. Love, god fucking dammit. LOVE.