Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The inevitable unknown

I haven't been posting much lately. I've posted some poetry on my facebook notes... most of it pretty depressing. But 95% of the time, the only time I write good poetry is when I'm heartbroken, so, there ya go.

I feel like I'm in limbo lately, but today I realized that even in limbo, the universe and I are somehow working together to make things happen.

I can't even describe where I am at right now as "Depression" although I do cry, frequently. I get frustrated, I want to scream, I want to tear my hair out... I think I won't survive another day without transportation and choices and my own space.
There are many things I am frustrated about. SO many.

But time goes by very reliably, no matter how slowly or quickly we think it's going to. And we find ourselves looking back at the time when we said "I can't make it that long, I just can't."

As of today, I have exactly 1 month until I can get my driver's license back.
I only have to make it one more month before I can do the things I like to do again.

And while i've been sitting mourning the loss of my entire life, my life has actually been going on, and even growing, right in front of my blind eyes.

I got a job, practically overnight, at a place that I felt was very beneath me. As far as skill level? It is. I can do so much more. But does that mean it's beneath me? Is it so wrong for anyone to learn what it's like to do hard but mundane manual labor for a not-so-great wage... to REALLY work for a living? To be exhausted and overwhelmed, but get a paycheck at the end of the week and be able to feed your kids.....
I have learned to be grateful. Because there are people who wish they had my job, even as I'm wishing I didn't.

And now, I have two jobs. One that I feel completely UNDER qualified for. Life is funny. I mean, it's really funny. The universe, if it has some kind of personality (which it must) is probably laughing it's ass off at me right now.
I'm going to be an accountant for a trucking company. I started training today, and the guy that has been doing it stared at me blankly like I was a f***ing idiot when I couldn't pull  the solution for 6% of $1800 out of my ass in 0.5 seconds. I'm a smart girl, and I aced every math class I ever took. But I'm not good with percentages unless they're .. you know, 10, 20, 50.. 100... LOL.
That's what calculators are for.
Well, this guy looks down on me cause I have to use a calculator. Oh well.

The thing is.. I'm learning to be humble. In two very different ways. And I'm learning to be grateful. Because one job has taught me that I am not superior to any other human being who works in a factory just because I have musical talents or a high IQ or a pretty face (well, pretty when I paint it).
And the other job is teaching me that I have a lot to learn... but I can do it. I can get to a place in life... I have a doorway... to a place where I will be able to get a good-paying job that will support my family. Without having to go through years of school, I will have this on my resume. I don't even "Deserve" this job, but it's being handed to me on a silver platter.
Sometimes, the universe DOES do me favors. Sometimes.
Maybe, if I'm being honest... it's constantly in the process of doing me a big freaking favor.

If I forget that again, someone please direct me back to this post.
If I hadn't gotten in that car accident, if I hadn't gotten the DUI, if I hadn't lost EVERYTHING and had to move back in with my parents and even become a bad mom for a while.... I may never have even met the people giving me this awesome job.
I got to spend a lot of time getting to know my kids again, finding out what it's like to be a stay at home mom again, learning to jump on the bed with my 2 yr old and read stories to my 6 yr old.
I found out that your parents never stop being your parents, even when you're almost 30 yrs old. That good parents like mine are there for you even when you act like you hate them for it.
That my mom will never stop holding me when I cry, even if she doesn't have any answers... Nothing's better than a hug from your mom when you feel hopeless.
And THAT reminded me that if I, at 27 yrs old, still need my mom, even if i've been pushing my parents away for 10+ years.... my babies will need me many years from now, too.
I needed to learn that, somehow.

While I've been mourning my past life and freedom, someone or something or some energy has NEVER stopped planning for me, opening doors for me, paving paths for me to become someone better and stronger... to have a better life.
Why? I don't know.
But I'm glad.

I have no idea where I'm going to be a year from now, but for once, even though this year was terrible, horrible, scary, emotional, lonely, and full of loss.... I am grateful because every piece has formed a picture that is starting to make a little bit of sense.

And in just the next month I am facing my love moving literally across the world for an entire year. Without any promises made.
I'm scared, but for the first time, a little bit of me can trust that even if it's not necessarily the picture I had in mind (although it might BE)..... some kind of beautiful picture will come about. Again. From every experience.
I've no doubt that he and I will love each other for the rest of our lives. I don't know if we'll be together. Clearly, sometimes we will be apart.

But I'm taking the moments. The moments with the kids when I feel connected again. When I feel loved and needed. When I find myself doing "good mom" things that I didn't feel capable of.
The moments when I feel loved by the man I love, even if it's not my perfect picture right now.
the moments when I see people truly trying to help me and be there for me in my hour of need.

It's all kind of beautiful. You just have to wait and see.


  1. THIS is beautiful.

    I am glad that some things are falling together for you, and that you have been able to feel more connected with your children too. It's really nice when that happens... I know it's hard to remember the moments when we're grateful like this, in times when everything seems so dark, but yeah, that's why it's a good idea to write it down.

  2. I love you, Faith and I am applauding YOU.