That's what I'm learning.
Yeah, I've been trying to walk the line between medicine and vodka, and doing an okay job of it. I never puked.
I've been hoping I'd never go back to being an imperfect human after ceremony.
But the truth is that I'm just starting this journey and I'm just starting to love it. I still balk at the idea of going, every time. But if they have enough faith in me to show up for me I'm damn well going to show up for me too.
As I was sitting in a really dirty stinky truck (that I grew to love, haa) at about 4 am this morning, with a total stranger man driving us into the middle of absolute nowhereville (which by the way, happens to generally be heaven), I was thinking, "how the freak do I get myself into these situations?"
Like, I called my mom crying because I needed money to go see my therapist in Cedar City, and instead I end up going to another ceremony that 2 medicine women drove 300+ miles to do. For ME. Because I "called it"?
'scuse me? I didn't want to stay up all night and go get dirty and sunburnt and drink stuff that makes me feel like I'm going to puke.
Oh wait, I guess I do, because I'm powerful enough that I MADE that happen. And I made the two prior ceremonies happen. And I brought back the women's ceremony.
And a lot of other women did too, and you know what? Our perfect intentions brought the perfect people together at the perfect times.
Over the short course of my journey thus far I have met some seriously amazing, strong and PERFECT women who all, down deep, don't even know how to love themselves. WE all can see the amazing in all those other women but we can't accept it when it comes to hearing it ourselves. Weird how we choose into that.
Meh, I'm going on a tangent that I can't really finish coherently.
But back the Perfect People, Perfect Time.
The two other women who came to ceremony today were....
The older sister of twin girls who lived with my family for a while when I was young (I still remember then VERY fondly, so fondly that when I saw this woman I got insanely happy even though she wasn't one of them).. and...
The nurse who played a huge part in saving me and Sophia from having an unnecessary C-section at her birth.
i've wanted to find that woman for YEARS. SEVEN YEARS. And just give her a hug.
And I'm so damn powerful that I got her to that ceremony so i could. I didn't know I was doing it, but I did.
They also were the perfect mirrors and teachers for me in my life on THIS DAY for me to see a lot of things I needed to heal.
There's even one that I see all the time at ceremony that I can't STAND, and ya know why? Cause I see the me that I HATE, in her.
Damn.. we're cool human beings.
I mean really... I'm done talking tonight, I'm just going to sit here in awe. Of ME.