Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Walking Through Hell

I have heard.. if you're walking through hell... keep going.
For years I have kept trying to turn around, change it, go around it... but the fact is, I will never see the other side if I don't keep walking through my hell.

I tried, a few times before, to find the strength to do this.
The universe has nudged me, hit me, knocked me over the head, and finally just decided I needed a brick wall to fall on me. I get it, ok?

It's been a fog of the worst sadness, hopelessness, and just ACHING to end this life.. for days and days.. I've lost track of time, of what's important.. of myself.

Fortunately, I have good friends and family who are watching over me, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing this.
Fortunately, my whole life has been leading up to this point, and it's time for a death and a real re-birth of my Self and my path.
Fortunately, I went through all of that, and it broke me, it scarred me, it shattered me....
But I am a force, an energy that can't be extinguished, and I'm getting back up, and I'm moving on.

I spent some time with a native american medicine woman who has been a long-time family friend, all day on Monday.

I came home Monday and my head felt clearer.. I couldn't wait to see my children, to hug them and feel their light. And finally they felt like joy instead of weight. Yes, they've always been my reason and my happiness, but something is different now. Before, I was not dying, for them. Now, I'm living for them. And me.

I still cry every day. I miss him like crazy, more than I thought I could miss a human being. But it's time to move on, and keep moving. It's time to fill the hole in my heart by myself. Every thing my life is today is a product of choices I've made, leading up to this point. It's time to choose to love myself and it's time to choose to make that enough, as hard as that may be.

"Children are the anchors that hold mothers to life." - Sophocles

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