Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Me, Authentically (Yesterday, pt II)

Yesterday, early morning, I was tired and grumpy, sitting in a canyon in the middle of nowhere, hoping I wouldn't step on a rattlesnake or something, and I saw this dog, laying in the spring water, just happy to be alive and able to play.

I (unlike me) actually vocalized that I wish I could be a dog, at that moment. LOL. I wished I could have no shame and just go jump in the damn muddy water if I felt like it, playing and jumping around.

Ironically, one of the intentions that came up yesterday was play. It wasn't an intention I set aloud for myself, but I did in my head. And by the end of the day I was more muddy, wet, dirty, and probably even happier than the dog. Albeit sunburned, dammit. :)

my makeup was gone, my hair was dirty and I had my sweater soaked in stream water, draped over my head so I wouldn't get any FURTHER sunburned or heat-exhausted.

And then someone told me I looked like a beautiful fairy.

and I could actually just smile and accept that instead of thinking of all the reasons I probably wasn't beautiful right then. I laughed so hard my face and stomach hurt.. I cried so hard my body wouldn't stop shaking. I watched butterflies and sparrows and dragonflies play and didn't worry what time it was or if my phone was ringing.
I said whatever I felt like saying... I smiled without worrying what my teeth looked like.

And less than 24 hrs later I'm sitting here scared of whether or not anybody could like ME, who I REALLY am, and not the person that I've been hiding behind. A total statue, really, which couldn't possible be very loveable anyway, but I'm still scared to have fun, and laugh hard, and play hard, and look ridiculous.

And I felt more loved yesterday than .. you know, since the last women's circle. ;-)
So, I need to work on that shiz.

From now on, I'm going to try harder to be very authentically me.
I'm not ready to stop wearing makeup or anything but.. ya know. :)

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