Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Do I Exist?

I have a feeling I do.. somewhere deep down, there is a ME. I have seen glimpses of her lately.. when I'm around the right people (a visit with a childhood friend.. when I sing.. sometimes in therapy..). But when I look back, I realize I lost her many years ago.

I'm not sure if I ever had much of a grip on her. One thing that remains a consistent thread in my life is that I.. am not much in it. It's about someone else, something else, always. I felt completely isolated and without worth until I figured out how to make boys notice me. And then I learned to be who a boy wanted me to be so I wouldn't be alone, and this could vary from boy to boy.
And then I started having children, and this gave me something to be. I'm a MOM. That's
an identity right? That's who I am.

But wait.. no, that's not who I am. It's a part of it. And it's what I do. It's something that NOW defines part of me, but not all of me. I have been a mother for 7 years if you count gestation. I've been Faith for almost 27. So who is THAT?

Strip away the mom, the girl who wants to please the man she's in love with, the girl who helps people because it makes her feel at least, useful.. the person who wants.. just to be liked.... and who is left?

Do I even exist?

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