Sunday, May 1, 2011

The darkest recesses

I don't know yet if I will publish this publicly or privately. I am one to share... everything. But so much.. perhaps it is wise to keep close to the vest, until the right time, or the right person comes along.

But I must have an outlet.

Todd, she is still by my side so much. She haunts me... I mean, in the true sense of the word, but constantly in my thoughts.. I see her face as clearly as if we'd been best friends for years. I hear her voice. She doesn't smile much, these days, and I look at her pictures... she looked so very happy. I have the same thought that so many others must have had.. "WHY? Why would someone happy and beautiful and so LOVED choose to take her own life so early?"

I've heard many of the reasons. She didn't want to be a burden. She was in pain. Physically and emotionally, though she hid it well. She wanted to be remembered as a beautiful and happy person, before it deteriorated.

And then there is me.
I am not beautiful, really. I am rarely happy, and have been plagued by this chronic depression and self-loathing (which stemmed from others not accepting me so very early on)... I am not fun, I am not outgoing, I am not successful. I am sitting in a bed that is not mine, in a house that is not mine. My beautiful children (my only pride... and yet, did I really do that, or did divinity?).. they lay sleeping next to me and i wonder, if i let go NOW, would they be okay? Would they be better, especially if they didn't know it wasn't an accident? Would they grow up revering their brave single mom instead of looking back with loathing on my constant tearfulness and short temper, my inability to be fun..

Thus far, life has truly taught me these things:

People only want me around if 1) they are very lonely, and I am their last choice for company, and I am willing to do all the work.. 2)I can help them gain something, financially, monetarily, etc.. or 3) they want to have sex with me.

I have been told I'm frightening to look at without makeup on. I've been told that nobody could love me because of my "cold" personality. I've been promised that I was loved deeply and that he'd marry me someday, and then abandoned when the 2nd line showed up on that pregnancy test.
I've been told by every man I've ever loved than he NEVER LOVED ME.
Except the one man who won't be with me. He loved me, once, so he says. He loves me still "As a friend".

I have a basic human need. I need to feel loved. I need to be someone's priority. I need for all my work and sacrifices to pay off... to be able to give my children happiness. A stable family environment. The things they need to grow into the people they have the potential to be.
I have been denied that need for more years than not, and .. Every rope has its end. Is it time for me to end this, and start over again? Is there any way that I will be able to find the joy that I so want and deserve in this life?

Don't fucking tell me that as long as I place that responsibility on finding a man, that I will not find happiness.
I have had beautiful, confident, happy times in my life.. in fact, one of the best times of my life was when I met Dan.
My unfortunate soul mate. The one I will never be able to fully live without. The one no one will ever measure up to. When I met him, I was happy. I felt good about me, about life, about my parenting, about my friends.. everything.

And then everything broke.

I'm only 26. But I feel so old. And I feel as though I've derailed so far that I will never get on the track I want to be on. My kids deserve better than me.. and I'm tired of being a burden on everyone.
I want to be the person who everyone looks forward to seeing and talking to. Who brings light into the room with her. I want to be someone that Dan can't wait to be around, rather than someone he tolerates for a night every few weeks so that he can get his cookies, because.. hell, I am good in bed.
Like I said, it's about all I have going for me.

I was born with extraordinary potential. Musical talent, intelligence, a knack for the written word, empathy, and strength.

How did I end up here? How do I dig out? I've been trying, praying, manifesting, working, sacrificing. There is only so long I can pour every bit of my soul into something and get nothing back.

That time is coming to an end.

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