Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Problem

I was sitting here, with all this silly rapture talk surrounding me, thinking.. what if this was my last day on earth, REALLY? What if? I mean, it could be for anyone, for any reason. And I've seen a lot of very sudden, seemingly premature death in my little world lately. (RIP Bobby :( and Wimeru! )

Anyway, the point is that I was wondering what kind of regrets I might have, if that were the case.
You know what I'd do? I'd grab my kiddos, get together w/my family, call a special few amazing friends, and just hold onto those babies and be grateful for every second I got with them.
I wouldn't regret that I was never famous, or that my life ended when I had no car or job. I'd be super happy that I was able to spend a lot of time with my kids in the recent past... I'd possibly regret all the sadness that has taken over my life, so that's something I need to work on. Not good to waste time being miserable.

I would feel relief, that I wouldn't have to be stressed about "making something" of my life. That I wouldn't have to keep striving for someone else's idea of success and feeling like I've failed, day after day.
.. what the hell, I don't have a car or a job? OH WELL!
I went out last night and had more fun than I've had in a long time. I remembered how to BE fun.
Lately, when I hug my kids or they do something cute, or I get to watch them sleeping peacefully, I savor the moment a little bit more.

Cause I've been thinking about what's important, and the PROBLEM IS... that I'm trying to live up to what the world thinks is important so I am not looked at as a failure.
I quit my job at IHOP cause it "wasn't good enough for me". Whatever. I liked it, and I liked my co-workers, and I miss it.
I spent more time cleaning my house and yelling at my kids for messing it up than playing with them, before we had to vacate and go stay with a friend. Because.. oh yeah, the world sees messes as bad. Fail. Lazy.
I like clean, but how much of it do I do because it's what *I* want, and how much is because I don't want to be viewed a certain way?

I've been thinking, what would I do with my future if I really didn't care what anyone else thought about it? I could be perfectly damn happy if I found a job I was content with and comfortable in, even if it was fast food, and I got to sing my heart out a few times a week at karaoke.. maybe some Zumba and Yoga in there.. yep. I'd be even happier if I didn't have to have a stupid job, and I could just sing and play the piano and hang out with my kids. Maybe open a little practice doing Reiki and Tarot readings and such, be a much more realistic and less cheesy version of Jennifer Love Hewitt in the Ghost Whisperer... Help people out, cause I love that shit.
I'd love it if I could be with a man who could support that, and love me for me. But, I'm not supposed to want to be with a man, cause that's not liberated enough of me. Oooooops.

The PROBLEM IS, I don't get to do much of what makes me happy cause I spend so much time trying to do what people think I'm supposed to do.
And the other problem is, I have to make a certain amount of money to support 3 whole people. Since nobody else (read, loser dad people) is contributing to that.

Now I just need to figure out a solution. Certainly, it's good to know what the problem is, and realize what COULD make me happy.
Just, to make it happen.. hm.

I just wanna do WHAT I WANNA DO. I need to find a way to facilitate that (financially, mostly). Which means.. maybe I go to school for a few years and become a paralegal or a court reporter or something I don't care too much about, but would support us. Or maybe I get a boob job and start stripping, cause that's a lot of income for very little time and boobs are only boobs. Seriously. What would be so wrong with any of that?

1 comment:

  1. Training to become a paralegal actually doesn't take very long. My sister took the course last summer and I think it was something like 10 weeks-ish. You can look it up at Dixie College.

    Anyway, I'm glad you are finding some happiness and having some fun. Every mother needs/deserves that. Especially a hard working one like you