Sunday, April 24, 2011

The dark before dawn.. hopefully.

It's easter/pagan celebration of spring/fertility/whatever. Zombie Jesus day, as my ex called it (I like that).

It's been quite the weekend, and I find myself sitting here hoping for a miracle... very much reminiscent of Easter '08, a mere few days after my brother passed away. Then, I was praying that the religion I'd believed in my whole life and then rejected would suddenly make sense to me so that I could know I'd see my brother again.

Now, I know that I don't need THAT to believe I'll see him again. I have seen him again. I've talked to him again. I feel his comforting presence all the time. And I don't believe in one God, one religion, heaven, or hell. I just know we all go on after this life and we can break down the barriers even before that, if we choose.

Having learned that, and having the... "Gift" that I have, of communicating between various life stage barriers (i think that's how my friend put it today, and I really liked that, as opposed to "speaking to the dead", since we don't really die)... anyway, it's a gift and a curse. If someone who is harboring hurt and heaviness from this life hasn't passed on and realizes that I could help them to communicate and move on, they persist and persist until I do something about it, no matter how difficult that may be for me.

Without naming names or being too specific about a situation... someone that I've been very close to for the past 3.5 years lost someone HE was very close to, 3 years ago, to suicide. It was.. even more tragic than most, if that is possible, and especially personal to him. I've always felt a connection and pain over the situation, although I never met or knew this woman. Over the past 3 years I've slowly taken on pieces of her persona... feelings, thoughts, actions, even physical ailments and attributes. It's sped up considerably since last fall, causing many health and mental issues (and relationship issues).

I only recently realized that she really, desperately wants to get to him. Through me. The problem is, he doesn't believe in anything at all. I spent weeks deliberating over what to do.. first ignoring it, then realizing I couldn't.. composing and recomposing emails, begging other friends to take the burden for me so it wouldn't cause a rift in my friendship with HIM. But she wanted me to do this.

So, I did it. And I can't say that things are awesome right now. I'm terrified. She's terrified. He's confused as hell, but amazingly, by far more open to the idea than I thought he would be.

I cried and had nightmares all night about these people and their situation... she sent me flashbacks of an argument they had.. I woke up shaking uncontrollably and it didn't go away for hours. I've been unable to keep the tears from falling for almost 24 hours. He said he was going to see her grave today which he hadn't done since the funeral.

It's a step.

When I woke up, I had a hymn from my childhood stuck in my head, and realized it was Easter. I remembered how I wished for a miracle, 3 years ago... and it's come to me in a different way than I expected. Other miracles that I've wished for for much longer still elude me...
But as I lay there, I thought.. "I wish there were miracles in life.." and immediately a voice came into my head saying "you just set one into motion."

I'm hanging onto that for dear life. I'm in a horribly dark place of fear and doubt...

And selfishly hoping that just this once, the miracle will be one for me, too....

1 comment:

  1. I'm very proud of you. Just sayin'. :)