Sunday, April 3, 2011

Randomness and Ranting

Haven't posted in a bit.

The world spins madly on... some days and weeks go by so slow it feels they'll never end, but then suddenly I realize it's been a month and I didn't get anything done. Time is a very strange thing, but I guess that's because it's a human invention, after all.

I can't organize my thoughts very well tonight, but I needed to get some things out, and give some updates.

-- Still no settlement on my car from the accident. I had to pay for the rental out of pocket. (GRR).I am grateful for the car that my dad is able to lend me, though it's eccentricities and issues have no bounds, it GENERALLY gets me from point A to point B. I have a lovely sunburn mostly on my left arm from driving around with the window down (amazing how the tint actually really creates a barrier.. LOL).

We are healing, slowly. The kids are doing better than I am. As we speak, my left shoulder is so knotted up, muscles torn, etc that it looks visible about an inch larger/more swollen than my right. Yay, fun.

I quit the new job, after groveling for it. Ha. It was not worth it.. not even close to worth it. I miss IHOP, but I put myself in a position where they wouldn't take me back on purpose.. I need to move forward. I'm just sure how, or to what, at this point. I have to be making some money, but the things that are manifesting in my life that I KNOW I should be doing and that will bring me happiness... they aren't going to support me and my family right now. Not yet.

I completely lost my spirituality. I mean, completely, for a while. I just began doing Reiki again, and have had some interesting dreams as well. Scary ones, that I'm a little bit frightened to see the outcome of (as I know the difference between my empathic and psychic dreams and "just dreams"). But, at least the energy is flowing again. My sister is kind of a genius with these things and helped me do an "energy flush" that helped a lot. Actually, now that I think of it, that was about when my seizures stopped... hmm!

I joined an A Capella group called !nverted. A very, very talented group of musicians that I feel a little bit "behind" in, but.. I think that we/they will go far. I hope that I can keep up. I don't like playing the single mom card, but it's literally been so incredibly impossible for me to sit down and take time to learn my parts at home. People don't seem to understand the level on which Eli destroys and consumes every second of my life at home with him... The chaos.. I love the boy with all my heart, but there are parts of me that think I will never be able to accomplish anything inmy life except basic survival until he is an independent adult.

Which brings me to my rant...

For 6 years I have been a single mom... I've always accepted all that comes along with that, including the fact that I may NEVER see a single dime (especially from Sophia's dad). Eli's dad helps me out, now, and does his best. We have our differences, but I have some respect for the fact that he tries.

But I see this happen SO often.. that a man thinks .. he needs to follow his dreams (don't we ALL feel that way?) and he puts that as his #1 priority. I CAN'T DO THAT.
I guess, I could, if I didn't really care about my kids. But I care about them. I can't just push them aside and be constantly broke, put them in danger of being without clothes, food, a home, etc. I can't NOT work a steady job no matter how it kills me (and, right now, working literally KILLS me).

I do not have an extra second in my life to practice for auditions, practice for competitions, take lessons, hone my talents, seek out opportunities. I just don't. And yes, after 6 years, it breaks my heart sometimes. Especially when I do get hopefully about things and make plans and then realize.. my kids need me more than I need to do this. And if anything I'm doing ever compromises that, I have to step away from that path.

It is hard, it is painful. But that's what you do when you love your kids. You put aside what you want so that they can have what they NEED.
Sometimes you even put aside what you need.

So, we'll see, I guess. But I'm angry. Angry that Sophia's "dad" has spent the past.. oh, 20 or so years chasing HIS dreams and owes me thousands in back-support, and then has the audacity to whine about not being able to get a passport, having to work shitty temp jobs, etc etc.. Please. He had his chance. When do I get mine?
When's it my turn?

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