(and hoping to do it right, this time?)
Over the past.. 6 months? I've purged my life of a lot of "Friends" who weren't true friends. But people who I spent years cultivating some sort of close relationship with. Whether it was healthy or not, there was comfort in that.
So at this point, I have nearly zero people left in my life who have been there for more than a very short time. Nobody who knows me. Nobody who has been there.
It's disconcerting, and sometimes depressing. Sometimes... I feel like I'm living in absolute soul seclusion.
I'm meeting new people, making new friends.
But after dropping people who I had known for 3, 4, 7, 10 years... newness isn't fun anymore. I want comfort. I want ... what I had.. but healthier.
And maybe in 10 years I will have that.
But right now... it's just a lot of pain and loneliness. It's hard to enjoy. I know, there is something wrong with me for feeling that way. Isn't that what everyone wants? NEW NEW NEW? New car, new lover, new and exciting friends, new places to go, new everything?
I want ... comfort, like an old couch that knows your body shape and folds you in like a long-time friend, in a long embrace.
Just the way you know is comfy. Just what works.
I don't want the new. I don't want the awkward. I don't want the not knowing.
But I shoved myself into this position, so here I am. Someday, I think.. hope.. pray.. beg.. that I will look back and be glad.
Right now, the one person whose arms i feel most comfortable in is.. elusive.. transitory.. at best.
I knew that it was that way, but I chose to keep it anyway.
Love, and comfort, and knowing someone's soul. powerful things.
Like gravity. Almost.. impossible to escape. And you can't ever overcome it forever.