Really Big Love

It's about taking your daughter to Disneyland and letting it be about her, and about her and her dad (no matter how much it hurt me), and about her and her sister.. and not about me.

It's about doing what I have to do to stay healthy, even if it doesn't make me look like the "perfect" I'd like to be. That's a really big love, for me, and for my kids.

It's about letting yourself fall again, for the hundredth time, even though nothing is certain and little is likely, because some love is so big that you don't get to go around or get over it.. you just get in and go through it, and sometimes there's no end, because love is an infinite thing. Infinite, but ever-changing, and when you can change and evolve and still love someone bigger every day as they change and evolve too...

Regardless of what happens on the journey, that's a beautiful thing.

My love is huge-mongous. For my kids, for my friends, for HIM, and .. for me.

Briefly (maybe..), about Blindness, "Justice", and Healing..

All this talk about the Casey Anthony trial has me sitting at the computer in a bit of awe over how passionate people are about "bringing people to justice" for their crimes.

I understand the reason and place for putting someone away in prison, that they may not cause more harm than already done.

I do not understand this eye-for-an-eye concept. "An eye for an eye makes the world go blind", does it not? Thank you Gandhi.

I don't necessarily believe in A God. I'm agnostic. I believe in god-like, and goddess-like ascended beings. I think there are lots of those. I KNOW that when we pass on after this life we go on to a place where we are welcomed with loving arms, and helped to heal any wounds we may have left over. I know that we get a lot of really cool retrospection, which as we all know, is a superior teacher.
Best of all, we get peace. Unless we didn't learn the lessons we needed to learn. And then we get to try again.
So, all of that is pretty cool, I think.

And for a kid who was murdered by her mother (saying she was -- I don't know, and have no opinion on it) or anyone else... the kid is absolutely innocent. Even the worst of criminals are only held down in their own hells by their OWN guilt and their OWN inability to take the lesson, learn from it, and yes, "atone", in our own ways. Nobody does it to us. We do it. We have to. You can kill a murderer, but it won't make them a better person, and it wont' change what happened. And guess what? it won't create justice, either. It just creates more violence, bad energy. Pain.

(if you read WAAAAY back in the beginning of my blog, I talk about a past life regression in which I got to forgive a father from another life for his crimes against me... trust me, he was in hell all this time, and I wasn't. And it was a beautiful thing to help set him free from that.. He was holding himself down, nobody else..)

So.. all those loving people on a higher vibration (or, God, if you believe that, or Jesus, or Heavenly Father..) who are there to guide us along.. do you think they're going to take this little girl and say "hey, we're not going to help you be at peace or go on with your journey until your mom is brutally punished, made to feel pain beyond belief, or murdered, herself?" No, they are there waiting to lovingly heal and help her along. Both of them, actually.
I bet that little girl LOVES her mom, regardless, because that's how little kids are.
I bet she wants her to heal. Only through healing will this kind of cycle of crime STOP.

Umm...

I'm just gonna let you think about that one for a while.

And then let's move on to the mom.
Let's say she's messed up enough (if she did this) that she's not feeling guilt or pain over it right now.
Do we know her whole story? Do we know what she's been through? No..
we do know that what she allegedly did is absolutely horrifying. Absolutely. And definitely wrong... definitely. Taking away someone's choice to live this life? Horrible.. right?

RIGHT?..........

But eventually, she is going to learn the lessons she needs to learn. Whether it's right now, or after she dies a natural death, or some point down the road in this life she may realize what she's done and try to end her pain by taking her own life, but that's not going to work either..
cause she's got a big lesson to learn. Which makes her no less or more than any of us.. she's just a little further behind on the learning curve.

I know it sounds like I'm trivializing something horrible. I'm not.
But until we learn to look at each person from a place of complete love and compassion, and that includes murderers, rapists, abusers, etc... we have not learned our lesson either.

Hell is our own self-inflicted state of being, and we will all go there at some point, for some reason. Sometimes more than once. And we will never stop going there until we are living from a place of complete love and compassion for ourSELVES and all others.

Let Caylee be at peace. Know that she is, and be at peace with that yourself. If your goal is to go make someone else feel pain because they made someone feel pain, nobody's going to be very happy in the end. Least of all you.
Let it go, let "God". Hug your own babies and be glad you aren't Casey Anthony. Begin a cycle of healing instead of continuing a cycle of pain. Take one more little step toward living from your heart and loving all you come into contact with.

Make peace. Be peace.

Me, Authentically (Yesterday, pt II)

Yesterday, early morning, I was tired and grumpy, sitting in a canyon in the middle of nowhere, hoping I wouldn't step on a rattlesnake or something, and I saw this dog, laying in the spring water, just happy to be alive and able to play.

I (unlike me) actually vocalized that I wish I could be a dog, at that moment. LOL. I wished I could have no shame and just go jump in the damn muddy water if I felt like it, playing and jumping around.

Ironically, one of the intentions that came up yesterday was play. It wasn't an intention I set aloud for myself, but I did in my head. And by the end of the day I was more muddy, wet, dirty, and probably even happier than the dog. Albeit sunburned, dammit. :)

my makeup was gone, my hair was dirty and I had my sweater soaked in stream water, draped over my head so I wouldn't get any FURTHER sunburned or heat-exhausted.

And then someone told me I looked like a beautiful fairy.

and I could actually just smile and accept that instead of thinking of all the reasons I probably wasn't beautiful right then. I laughed so hard my face and stomach hurt.. I cried so hard my body wouldn't stop shaking. I watched butterflies and sparrows and dragonflies play and didn't worry what time it was or if my phone was ringing.
I said whatever I felt like saying... I smiled without worrying what my teeth looked like.

And less than 24 hrs later I'm sitting here scared of whether or not anybody could like ME, who I REALLY am, and not the person that I've been hiding behind. A total statue, really, which couldn't possible be very loveable anyway, but I'm still scared to have fun, and laugh hard, and play hard, and look ridiculous.

And I felt more loved yesterday than .. you know, since the last women's circle. ;-)
So, I need to work on that shiz.

From now on, I'm going to try harder to be very authentically me.
I'm not ready to stop wearing makeup or anything but.. ya know. :)

How Powerful Are We?

Infinitely.

That's what I'm learning.

Yeah, I've been trying to walk the line between medicine and vodka, and doing an okay job of it. I never puked.

I've been hoping I'd never go back to being an imperfect human after ceremony.
But the truth is that I'm just starting this journey and I'm just starting to love it. I still balk at the idea of going, every time. But if they have enough faith in me to show up for me I'm damn well going to show up for me too.

As I was sitting in a really dirty stinky truck (that I grew to love, haa) at about 4 am this morning, with a total stranger man driving us into the middle of absolute nowhereville (which by the way, happens to generally be heaven), I was thinking, "how the freak do I get myself into these situations?"

Like, I called my mom crying because I needed money to go see my therapist in Cedar City, and instead I end up going to another ceremony that 2 medicine women drove 300+ miles to do. For ME. Because I "called it"?

'scuse me? I didn't want to stay up all night and go get dirty and sunburnt and drink stuff that makes me feel like I'm going to puke.

Oh wait, I guess I do, because I'm powerful enough that I MADE that happen. And I made the two prior ceremonies happen. And I brought back the women's ceremony.
And a lot of other women did too, and you know what? Our perfect intentions brought the perfect people together at the perfect times.

Over the short course of my journey thus far I have met some seriously amazing, strong and PERFECT women who all, down deep, don't even know how to love themselves. WE all can see the amazing in all those other women but we can't accept it when it comes to hearing it ourselves. Weird how we choose into that.

Meh, I'm going on a tangent that I can't really finish coherently.
But back the Perfect People, Perfect Time.

The two other women who came to ceremony today were....

The older sister of twin girls who lived with my family for a while when I was young (I still remember then VERY fondly, so fondly that when I saw this woman I got insanely happy even though she wasn't one of them).. and...

The nurse who played a huge part in saving me and Sophia from having an unnecessary C-section at her birth.
i've wanted to find that woman for YEARS. SEVEN YEARS. And just give her a hug.

And I'm so damn powerful that I got her to that ceremony so i could. I didn't know I was doing it, but I did.

They also were the perfect mirrors and teachers for me in my life on THIS DAY for me to see a lot of things I needed to heal.
There's even one that I see all the time at ceremony that I can't STAND, and ya know why? Cause I see the me that I HATE, in her.

Damn.. we're cool human beings.
I mean really... I'm done talking tonight, I'm just going to sit here in awe. Of ME.

"With Grace and Ease..."

So. Time to start working on this blog, here. I've got a lot to say, and feel like I still haven't wrapped my brain around it enough to really convey it properly.

I went to a women's ceremony (native american medicine circle.. thing.. I don't really know the proper name for it) up north on Tuesday. The day or two before that I was really falling back into my stress and depression again.. still not to the degree that I did before, and I doubt I EVER will to that degree again, because once you've seen "the light" (don't laugh) it's hard to deny it. It would be going against everything I know now to allow myself to fall into that pit.

First of all -- women are AMAZING. we females really need to start to feel and form more of a sense of community and equality with each other. I'm so tired of the competition, back stabbing, etc... this came up in the circle too, that it's so hard to feel comraderie with women these days because it's all a competition, because of our own insecurities.
Let me tell you, in that teepee? Everyone's an equal. The 23 yr old who's never been on her own. The drug addict, the survivor of heinous crimes and witness to horrific pain. Everyone. College girls, motel managers, medicine women.. we're all THE SAME. Some of us are a few ceremonies ahead of each other, but we're all stumbling along on the same path. We've all felt the same pain. In there, masks are off, truth is out, and it's.. purely magic, to be on equal ground. To give and receive absolute love and support from someone who may have been a stranger 5 minutes before.
To hear stories that humble you, that mirror you, that cause you to look into your own soul and see both the things you need to really look at and evaluate, and the things that you should allow to absolutely shine.

What I learned from this? It's hard, so hard to put into words. But I can say that it's .. humbled me. To a place of absolute gratitude for my life, for those who love me in their own stumbling, wonderful ways. For those who have HURT me.. yes, I mean that. For everyone who has played their part in my life exactly the way that I was asking them to through my actions and intentions at the time, to teach me the lessons I had to learn.
I'm honored that my children chose me to be their mother, despite my many flaws... I'm in so much love with the beauty that they are.

I want to stop saying the word "learn" because the fact is that it's really, we have just spent our whole lives burying the truth. With things other people project onto us, say to us... we take all of that on and turn into someone that we maybe never intended to at all. We believe those things, and become them.
It is, perhaps, that we need to UN-learn all the UN-truths that we have come to believe, and that is where we find the truth. Within ourselves. It's already there.

In the words of Osho, "You become that which you think you are. Or, it is not that you become it, but that the idea gets very deeply rooted - and that's what all conditioning is."

As one of the beautiful women there pointed out, why the HELL have we all allowed someone (or many someones) to shape us? Why do we never realize, why aren't we TAUGHT that we can choose exactly who we want to be, what we want to draw into our lives, and how to respond to the lessons that we are blessed with? Why are we so obsessed with 20 years ago, when someone told us we were stupid, or not good enough, or not pretty enough... or a year ago, when someone said I was too messy... or 5 years ago, when someone said I wasn't pretty without makeup.. or WHATEVER. WHY?! It's NOT MY BUSINESS what anyone else thinks of me. It's their business. My business is what I think of me, and what I want to be.

It's sooo incredibly important (and incredible, when I achieve it) to live in the PRESENT, to be my authentic self and to love ME. To stop looking back on the past and mourning it, obsessing over it, letting it be who I am? TODAY is all there really is. And it's so simple. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet. If the last 23 years of my life wasn't what I wanted it to be.. if I wasn't who I wanted to be.. if I fucked things up and I hate who I was, then I can choose to change who I've been, and do things different from this moment on. I can't change anyone else thinks or says, but I can be better, and know that which I am, and honor myself. I am beautiful, I am powerful, and despite my own stumbling, I'm VERY much a valuable person and spirit in this world. I can help people tremendously with gifts I've been blessed with. I have two children who bless me daily. I can be better, do more, learn more, and draw more that I desire into my life every moment.

I must admit that stepping back into the real world after an experience like that is a little bit of a let-down. You remember.. people backstab, people judge.. people are insecure and struggling themselves, and that comes out in ways that hurts everyone involved. But we're all in different places on our journeys, and I have to respect that and try to remember.. it's not my business what they think of me. I can call on those beautiful hours I spent in a tent full of many very different spirits who all came together in understanding, love, and pure non-judgment and try to create that atmosphere in my own family, first, and the rest of my life as well.
"Life just keeps on Life-ing", as someone so aptly spoke. It is only us who can change the way we live it....

With grace, and ease. Aho.

Walking Through Hell

I have heard.. if you're walking through hell... keep going.
For years I have kept trying to turn around, change it, go around it... but the fact is, I will never see the other side if I don't keep walking through my hell.

I tried, a few times before, to find the strength to do this.
The universe has nudged me, hit me, knocked me over the head, and finally just decided I needed a brick wall to fall on me. I get it, ok?

It's been a fog of the worst sadness, hopelessness, and just ACHING to end this life.. for days and days.. I've lost track of time, of what's important.. of myself.

Fortunately, I have good friends and family who are watching over me, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing this.
Fortunately, my whole life has been leading up to this point, and it's time for a death and a real re-birth of my Self and my path.
Fortunately, I went through all of that, and it broke me, it scarred me, it shattered me....
But I am a force, an energy that can't be extinguished, and I'm getting back up, and I'm moving on.

I spent some time with a native american medicine woman who has been a long-time family friend, all day on Monday.

I came home Monday and my head felt clearer.. I couldn't wait to see my children, to hug them and feel their light. And finally they felt like joy instead of weight. Yes, they've always been my reason and my happiness, but something is different now. Before, I was not dying, for them. Now, I'm living for them. And me.

I still cry every day. I miss him like crazy, more than I thought I could miss a human being. But it's time to move on, and keep moving. It's time to fill the hole in my heart by myself. Every thing my life is today is a product of choices I've made, leading up to this point. It's time to choose to love myself and it's time to choose to make that enough, as hard as that may be.

"Children are the anchors that hold mothers to life." - Sophocles

The Problem

I was sitting here, with all this silly rapture talk surrounding me, thinking.. what if this was my last day on earth, REALLY? What if? I mean, it could be for anyone, for any reason. And I've seen a lot of very sudden, seemingly premature death in my little world lately. (RIP Bobby :( and Wimeru! )

Anyway, the point is that I was wondering what kind of regrets I might have, if that were the case.
You know what I'd do? I'd grab my kiddos, get together w/my family, call a special few amazing friends, and just hold onto those babies and be grateful for every second I got with them.
I wouldn't regret that I was never famous, or that my life ended when I had no car or job. I'd be super happy that I was able to spend a lot of time with my kids in the recent past... I'd possibly regret all the sadness that has taken over my life, so that's something I need to work on. Not good to waste time being miserable.

I would feel relief, that I wouldn't have to be stressed about "making something" of my life. That I wouldn't have to keep striving for someone else's idea of success and feeling like I've failed, day after day.
.. what the hell, I don't have a car or a job? OH WELL!
I went out last night and had more fun than I've had in a long time. I remembered how to BE fun.
Lately, when I hug my kids or they do something cute, or I get to watch them sleeping peacefully, I savor the moment a little bit more.

Cause I've been thinking about what's important, and the PROBLEM IS... that I'm trying to live up to what the world thinks is important so I am not looked at as a failure.
I quit my job at IHOP cause it "wasn't good enough for me". Whatever. I liked it, and I liked my co-workers, and I miss it.
I spent more time cleaning my house and yelling at my kids for messing it up than playing with them, before we had to vacate and go stay with a friend. Because.. oh yeah, the world sees messes as bad. Fail. Lazy.
I like clean, but how much of it do I do because it's what *I* want, and how much is because I don't want to be viewed a certain way?

I've been thinking, what would I do with my future if I really didn't care what anyone else thought about it? I could be perfectly damn happy if I found a job I was content with and comfortable in, even if it was fast food, and I got to sing my heart out a few times a week at karaoke.. maybe some Zumba and Yoga in there.. yep. I'd be even happier if I didn't have to have a stupid job, and I could just sing and play the piano and hang out with my kids. Maybe open a little practice doing Reiki and Tarot readings and such, be a much more realistic and less cheesy version of Jennifer Love Hewitt in the Ghost Whisperer... Help people out, cause I love that shit.
I'd love it if I could be with a man who could support that, and love me for me. But, I'm not supposed to want to be with a man, cause that's not liberated enough of me. Oooooops.

The PROBLEM IS, I don't get to do much of what makes me happy cause I spend so much time trying to do what people think I'm supposed to do.
And the other problem is, I have to make a certain amount of money to support 3 whole people. Since nobody else (read, loser dad people) is contributing to that.

Now I just need to figure out a solution. Certainly, it's good to know what the problem is, and realize what COULD make me happy.
Just, to make it happen.. hm.

I just wanna do WHAT I WANNA DO. I need to find a way to facilitate that (financially, mostly). Which means.. maybe I go to school for a few years and become a paralegal or a court reporter or something I don't care too much about, but would support us. Or maybe I get a boob job and start stripping, cause that's a lot of income for very little time and boobs are only boobs. Seriously. What would be so wrong with any of that?