Everyone keeps telling me to love myself.
My natural, smart-ass response is that I love myself just fine. Better than a lot of men, I just need some double A batteries or a massaging showerhead.. sorry, TMI. ;)
BUT, in all seriousness. I've been told time and time again, I have to fully love myself before anybody else can love me.
I think this is totally bullshit. Sorry to all of those who have said this, but I see LOTS of people who don't love themselves, and have other people who love them very much. They have boyfriends, they move in together, they get married. They are loved.
This morning, I asked the ONE ex that I was SURE had really loved me, if he had been in love with me when we were together.
He said, "umm.. sorry, I really wasn't."
I didn't think it would bother me that much cause.. um, I wasn't in love with HIM. But I was WITH him because I was sure that he was in love with me, and thus far every man I'd chosen for myself had just used and abused me, and then left me when I became inconvenient (pregnant, emotional, demanding of time or attention, etc).
So, he wasn't.
So, nobody's ever been in love with me. MAYBE, maybe, the first boyfriend I had... from ages 16-18.. maybe. But it was so long ago, and I was a different person. And he dumped me, not vice versa.
So this leaves me with a perfect track record.....
What do I do with that? How am I supposed to believe it can EVER happen?
My real question is, how can you love yourself if nobody's ever loved YOU?
Please, I want real input. If you have anything to say about this (besides "well, you'll figure it out once you love yourself")...
I'm interested. I want to know. Most of you out there reading this are married. Have been in love and have been loved. Are loved. People like you. You have friends that enjoy your company. You don't go to bed crying every night either in an empty bed or smothered by children and animals... not being held by someone who gives to you rather than just takes.
I miss having someone who texted me "G'night, Sugar. XOXO" every night. I miss that. I miss him. He wasn't even in love with me. But my god.. I am lonely.
And I don't know how to fix this. I have no clue.
It doesn't mean I love my kids any less. It doesn't mean I don't find joy in our time together.
It means I'm a normal human being who wants what we were put on this earth to want. Love, god fucking dammit. LOVE.