I received confirmation from a reading that I'm probably going to be single for quite a while longer (2 years ish) and while this really upset me.. and still does.. hell, I've been alone long enough! I am realizing that this is an opportunity to make the most of my "free" time. Not that it's that free, with 2 little kids, but THIS is when I need to focus on ME.
My son's dad once posted this quote on facebook, "You have to know where you're going before you know who you're taking with you."
Ironic. It has stuck with me for a long time. I've never had a really firm direction in life, except, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. That's all it's been for 7 years.
There are things I want to do, but I let myself feel crippled by my situation.
While I have made decisions to put off a career or school so that I can remain in a flexible job and spend more time with my children during their formative years, I've also used that as a crutch because the thought of truly reaching for a goal scares the shit out of me. I'm terrified of more disappointment, and failure. But in the, um, words sung by Miley Cyrus (don't laugh.. ok, you can laugh), "it's the climb". The journey is what matters, and it's beautiful.
The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet. Why do we waste so much of now on those things that don't exist?
I'm reaching farther than I ever have before, letting go of all that's gone before.
I have a plan, and I'm gonna follow it, and see where it leads. It may not be where I expect, but it will surely teach me something that I need to know. And a direction is better than standing in one place, spinning in circles or sitting with my head in my hands.
I've found a new child-like wonder in the world, suddenly able to believe in a "magic" that I couldn't, before, because it's been shown to me in a way that makes sense in my heart. I think we all need that, and it comes to us all in different ways. There will be a universal understanding and truth, but we all have different paths to it. We are powerful beings and I haven't been so excited .. ever.. as to see what I can do with MY power.
I'm going to audition for American Idol, I'm going to study Reiki, I'm going to go to school for English, and I'm going to reconnect with my children and the joy of being a mother. I'm going to take my daughter to Disneyland. Go to the beach. Go to a Zumba/Yoga retreat in Costa Rica. I don't know where I'll get the money, but I'm manifesting this to the universe. This is MY year to fall in love.. with me.