Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Transition

This is hard for me, but so easy at the same time.

The hard part? Wondering how many people in my life will accept my new truths, and my new path. Trying to accept that it doesn't MATTER, because it's MY path, not theirs.

The easy part? Knowing it's right. When something is this true, you can't deny it. No matter how hard you might try.

I've kicked and fought and turned my back on anything religious for about 10 years.. and then even anything spiritual, for the past 2 or 3.
I see too many things wrong with believing in ONE all-powerful being in charge of everything in the universe.

However, there is something. There's a source for all this energy that's floating around, and that energy doesn't, and will NEVER, go away. It is infinite, it can not be extinguished. Only transferred.
I can't deny that I saw spirits/ghosts (beings who have passed on) regularly as a child. I blocked it out as I got older. When a 5 yr old says she's afraid of ghosts, what does every parent say? Ghosts aren't real.
They were real to me.. hence, they were real.

I can't deny that I've had frighteningly accurate premonitions of major world and life events.

I can't deny that my deceased brother is ever-present in my life, and even sometimes visual to me.

I can't deny empathic experiences I've had that have completely changed my soul. I can't deny having message relayed through me from those who have passed on, to those still here on earth who needed to hear them, and seeing the absolute relief and healing that can come from this.

I can't and will not deny that I KNOW now.. I know that none of these things I've experienced were false or fake or imagined. I know that we, the entire human race, have a power within is that IS, I believe, the "source". WE are the most powerful beings there are, and we have the potential to become god LIKE. Our power is fueled by pure, unconditional love for ourselves, others, and the universe. But as with most things, we must start with ourSelves. Only then can we experience the true joy of love in all it's forms.

I've never loved myself. It's like seeing a person that you know is decent.. you can name off a hundred good character traits.. but you don't really like them. You don't know why. You don't want to be around them, that's for sure, but you can say they're a good person. Maybe there are some things about them that bother you. Maybe they bore you.

That's how I've felt about myself.
I could make a list of my positive traits. I could make a list of some negative ones, but I try not to focus on those except in the light of changing them into strengths.
But I don't love myself. I don't want to be alone with me. I don't want to go to the movies with me. I don't want to lay in bed alone with me.

Until I learn this, how can I show anyone else how to love me? How can anyone else believe that I'm loveable?

This is painful to write. I've been pushing this truth away for a very long time.
Time to face the truth, and walk through my hell. It's not so bad because I have a few pieces of heaven with me...

and the hope that at the end, the edge of all this, there will be someone and something waiting that is better than I could have imagined, and better than I would have deserved before I walked through this hell.

I've been walking through a lot of hells for the past 7 or 8 years... and the worst of it, in the past 3. But part of the problem is I haven't made it far enough to see around the next corner. To see that there's a light at the end of it. I keep turning around and trying the same things, because it is all I've known to do. I learned hopelessness and disbelief this way. Time to make the decision to just keep walking.. or running. THROUGH it.

Single Dad Laughing.. AMAZING blog. Inspiring, beautiful.

1 comment:

  1. This is really interesting. I have never felt that there was anything contradictory between being able to be empathic and seeing/sensing/hearing spirits/ghosts and all that stuff... and the religion we grew up with... but I understand some of the difficulty of believing specific things about the "source". Some people find it easier to understand the source as a person called God... others find it easier to just think of it as a force or a concept. Either way I think the important thing is the effect it has on people and if they let it change them, so I say, good for you for embracing this and letting it change you. Any good force in the world should be embraced regardless of the name or if some people might think it's weird : )

    I have had absolutely crazyriffic weird experiences that nobody would believe and would probably say I had dipped into something really weird and possibly even satanic if I told them, though that seems ridiculous to me since I know what it was... I guess what I'm trying to say is that... I understand why you would be afraid that people won't accept this path in your life, because to a lot of people it seems to go directly against what they believe is the "real thing". But the way I see it, as long as it's a positive force, it's all part of THE positive force... and it's all in how it's used as well.

    Blahblahblah. anyway. I will definitely follow this blog : ) I'm excited to see how things go for you. Empathy is one of the most important "spiritual gifts" a person can get, and I think that can bleed over into the absolutely supernatural in ways the typical Christian might not expect. On the other hand I find it funny that people are leery of empathic experiences when they say that seeing people as God sees them is the definition of charity.... and that's basically what empathy is...

    Okay I've totally rambled enough... sorry... I wish I were better at blogging because I obviously have a lot to say about blended spirituality *hahaha*