Thursday, March 10, 2011

everything and.. stuff.

won't know what to title this post til I'm done writing it
It won't be insightful or.. completely off the radar, like my last one. I think it only resonated with me, amusing.

This is basically just a.. "here's what's up" post so that everyone knows without me having to repeat myself, but it may be all OVER the radar, with everything that's going on.

To start off, I know. You're all wondering, what's with the love life?
Well, suddenly, when I had decided that I wanted nothing to do with anyone at all, except to focus on loving myself and cultivating REAL friendships with GENUINE people, I fell in love with this wonderful boy that was dropped into my lap. Out of nowhere.

I drove through snowmageddon one night to see him after he had a particularly depressing surgical consult, and also because.. well, you can talk to someone online, you can hear their voice, you can know every aspect of your personality fits like a glove, but you CAN'T know.. you can't KNOW.. until you see them and hold them in your arms. And I had to freaking know.
So I went, and stayed longer than intended. And spent a lot of time being offered the life I've always dreamed of, and not being sure how to handle it.

It's like .. I assume (since I've never been on heavy drugs) it's like the difference between a crack addict and a drug-free person. When you take something that's bad for you, but induces this HUGE high that feels SO fucking amazing for a little while.. the ups are hard to forget about. And almost impossible to leave behind. Despite the lows that follow, that almost or sometimes DO kill you. Emotionally, or even physically.

But when something is good, healthy, stable.. When you are getting and giving equally, when you are loving without taking and being loved without your energy being sucked from you constantly. When you aren't being criticized for who you are, rather, loved for every flaw AND perfection..
It's this slow, calm kind of peace. And it feels really great, in a way that doesn't always make you want to dance around the room or shout it from the rooftops (oh, but sometimes it DOES)... And you never would realize how great it is until it was gone... because it's not false, it's not unnatural, and it's.... infinite.

And barring any emergencies He will be down here this weekend. Thank the universe.


That's all I'm going to say about that right now.

As for me, myself and I... I've been having mini seizures, my stress management is even further down the toilet than usual (no pun intended), my house is a mess. I can't talk straight (Ever heard the term 'word salad'? This has been happening periodically). My $7K tax return is rapidly disappearing on things I never wanted to spend it on. I can't focus, my short term memory gets worse by the minute, and I've been getting VERY localized migraines.
I suppose it's time to see a doctor,but frankly, I know deep down they will tell me there is NOTHING wrong with me. They may put me on some kind of anti-seizure medication which will have other unsavory side effects that might be worse than what I'm dealing with now. I've got to put my car in the shop this weekend for at least 5 different ailments. The repairs are probably going to cost more than the worth of the car, but I don't have much other choice at this point.

My spiritual healing/education seems to be completely on hold. Half of my own volition -- I feel so inadequate. I try to do treatments and I... don't know. Have never had any report of real results.
And half because I just cannot focus. I try to meditate, to ground myself, to find some little tiny, miniscule center of peace deep within me. And I cannot. I did, when I was with Nicky. For a moment. Or in those seconds before sleep when I hear my children breathing peacefully next to me and I can stop beating myself up for all the ways I was a bad mother that day. When I can push away the anger I feel toward their "fathers" for the way they think that their responsibilities are optional,whereas mine will never be. And if I ever CHOSE to walk away from them, it would kill me.
If I could ever just say "hm, I can't take care of my kids between the hours of ___ and ___ because I have other things going on"... ha. What a joke that would be. I would not be their mother, I'd be their babysitter. That is all Eli's father is. Sophia's is no more than a sperm donor.

I have this book called "Anger" that I really need to read. But to find the time.. Time, where do you go, anyway?

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