Tuesday, March 15, 2011

one breath at a time

and sometimes, that even feels impossible.

So much for an inspirational blog, eh?

I am single, again. Leaving me sure that there are simply no men out there that can love me for me. None that can rise to my level, understand who I am..
And while that's painful, everything else is equally, if not MORE painful right now.

Relationship issues, I can deal with. It's par for course.

Car accidents.. neck pain beyond belief.. feeling like my head is in a vice and disconnected from my body at the same time.. seizures.. forgetfulness.. uncontrollably crying.. inability to form full, coherent sentences. That, I don't know how to deal with.

No answers on the seizures except "take your alprazolam".
No answers on the insurance claim yet.
Out $700 so far today on rental car + other necessaries. Had to cancel job interview because I couldn't speak without sobbing.

Eli won't sleep.. it's 2:30 am. I can barely keep my eyes open, but they seem to be able to keep on fucking crying. Traitors.

I spent my whole life planning for, hoping for, daydreaming about a life that I never learned how to create. I did it all wrong, with only 2 good things to show for my misguided efforts.

I don't even want to be a part of my life, most days. Why should anyone else?.... And the things that make me happy, that keep me going, are so personal to who I am.. to being a mother, to loving my children the way that only a mother can .. that nobody else ever WILL be able to step into that and love it and find happiness there, too.

Oh, and I locked myself out of my house for the 6th time in about 8 days. Again.

I feel crippled and blocked on my spiritual path. I feel like the talents I thought I had are a farce. I ask for assistance and receive none.. I ask for guidance and there is silence. I cannot meditate.. I cannot find peace. I never have a moment for myself.

Just for today, I give up.


  1. Fairy_Faith,

    Oh, what to say to a broken heart? My first thought that came into my head is this broken soul does not love herself yet. And you think I am going to say nobody will love you until you love yourself? Well, that is a load of shit. People will love you! It sounds though dear one that your heart is weary and hurting. I think we need to heal first more than we need to love ourselves.
    Being a single mom is mind-boggling, soul breaking, heart wrenching, spirit destroying and so fucking wonderful! I am a single mom and my now 13 year old cried for the first 2 years of her life. I swear to god, at times I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep. I breast fed her for almost 3 years and that was the only time she quit crying. (I have nipples that I trip over when getting out of the shower to prove it.)
    Anyway, I am all over the place here. You are not alone OK? Believe it or not I would love just one night back with my daughter crying and her sweet fuzzy head. I miss those days. Take a big breath and say fuck it. Be good to yourself.

  2. PS- If you can't mediate try something else. I do a contemplative photography called Miksang. It is just taking my digital camera and going out and just being aware of and taking pictures of what is around me. It helped me a lot when I could no longer meditate. ;-)

  3. I can tell just from your comments that you have an amazing and kindred soul... thank you for the thoughts.