and sometimes, that even feels impossible.
So much for an inspirational blog, eh?
I am single, again. Leaving me sure that there are simply no men out there that can love me for me. None that can rise to my level, understand who I am..
And while that's painful, everything else is equally, if not MORE painful right now.
Relationship issues, I can deal with. It's par for course.
Car accidents.. neck pain beyond belief.. feeling like my head is in a vice and disconnected from my body at the same time.. seizures.. forgetfulness.. uncontrollably crying.. inability to form full, coherent sentences. That, I don't know how to deal with.
No answers on the seizures except "take your alprazolam".
No answers on the insurance claim yet.
Out $700 so far today on rental car + other necessaries. Had to cancel job interview because I couldn't speak without sobbing.
Eli won't sleep.. it's 2:30 am. I can barely keep my eyes open, but they seem to be able to keep on fucking crying. Traitors.
I spent my whole life planning for, hoping for, daydreaming about a life that I never learned how to create. I did it all wrong, with only 2 good things to show for my misguided efforts.
I don't even want to be a part of my life, most days. Why should anyone else?.... And the things that make me happy, that keep me going, are so personal to who I am.. to being a mother, to loving my children the way that only a mother can .. that nobody else ever WILL be able to step into that and love it and find happiness there, too.
Oh, and I locked myself out of my house for the 6th time in about 8 days. Again.
I feel crippled and blocked on my spiritual path. I feel like the talents I thought I had are a farce. I ask for assistance and receive none.. I ask for guidance and there is silence. I cannot meditate.. I cannot find peace. I never have a moment for myself.
Just for today, I give up.