Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Something about the past week or two has completely changed me. And not in a bad way, despite all the trauma, tears, frustration, pain, mistakes, and feeling alone.
I have somehow regained my ability to be grateful. For the tiniest things. And amazed.
Those two perfect little beings came from ME.
They are sweet, and beautiful, and incredibly intelligent. Sometimes they drive me crazy, but their brilliance is beyond measure.
And I take FULL credit for that. I raised these kids. Yes, I send them to a babysitter when I'm at work, but I am my kids' mom. I am. I love them so intensely that through all my mistakes and self-absorbed moments and misery and confusion, my 6 yr old can see right through that and say she KNOWS.. she knows that they are the most important things in my life. She knows I love her. She knows that when I'm mean or impatient, I don't mean to be, and she knows I'm doing my best.
How freaking beautiful is that?
And Eli... after I yell at him for taking his diaper off and shitting on the floor (or the bed, or ME) for the 20th time.. for dumping out a whole bag of chips that I just bought.. for breaking my favorite vase.. whatever... he can still come up to me, give me a kiss and say "luh you mama". And he knows I Luh Him Too.
And as long as I have that, how can I be ungrateful? how can I not keep waking up and taking one step at a time, sometimes one breath at a time, if that's all I can do...? I've been given so much. And to whom much is given, much is expected.
My heart is full. I am lucky.
I am often sad, disappointed, angry, bitter, exhausted..
but I am lucky. And deep down .. I am HAPPY. Because we were born to be happy. My children show me that every day, that our natural state as humans is happiness. We are born happy. We are born to play, to find wonder and beauty in all things. We are born to accept everyone as they are. We are born without concepts of ugly, different, stupid, selfish, or mean. We are made of Gratitude and Amazement. Pure love. We, as damaged adults, just have to dig down deep, beyond the dirt that's piled up on our complete, whole, unbroken and undamaged hearts, and remember how to be exactly what we are.
To My Babies:
You're my life's one miracle
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this 'til you
You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
Though the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more
The nearest thing to heaven
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love
When you smile AT me I cry
And to save your life I'd die
With a romance that is pure in heart
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires
I live for your desires
Forget my own, your needs will come before
Who could ever love you more
There is nothing you could ever do
To make me stop loving you
And every breath I take
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams
And know for sure
Who could ever love you more?